Protests, Protests Everywhere

On Wednesday afternoon, Elizabeth Murphy, an associate professor of geography, was forced to abandon her 1 p.m. class after learning that her daughter had been arrested.

Marie Murphy, her daughter, was taken out of her third grade class after saying a fellow classmate’s presentation “looks like something she dumps in the toilet.”

The poster board accompanying the presentation featured pictures of tortured Barbie dolls being murdered by G.I. Joes, and the captions said things like: “This is totally the exact same thing as when you torture and kill small animals in real life.”

Murphy did not agree, but voicing her opinion landed her in time out, and when she refused to be quiet during the presentation, her professor had no other course of action but to call the police and have her escorted to a jail cell.

Murphy believes the outburst was a result of her daughter seeing bloody fetuses, decapitated corpses and a crowd of hippies in front of the Student Union on their way home from preschool.

Murphy tried to shield her daughter’s eyes from the “f**king ridiculous images.”

Unfortunately, Murphy didn’t have the strength to stop the “old man from Jurassic-Park look-a-like” from holding the third grader hostage until she knew what a ticking time bomb her vagina is.

“A 50-year-old man told me that I should buy my daughter a chastity belt until she was married, because the only use for her vagina should be breeding purposes,” Murphy said. “Then, some little college boy who reeked of virginity tried to explain the intricacies of my own vagina to me. What the f**k is going on here?”

Murphy was then quickly thrown into the squad car for her abominable profanity.

Andrea Smith, a sophomore communication major and host of the “Let’s compare the termination of non-sentient beings to the deliberate torture and destruction of entire races” presentation beamed with joy as the police continued to take away harassers.

“You know, it’s very hurtful when someone comes up to you and says something so ignorant and with such conviction, too,” Smith said, as she wiped another spitball off of a picture featuring a smiling woman locked in a cage, surrounded by virgins giving the thumbs up.

What surprised Smith the most about the abortion rights counter-protest was the amount of women on the other side. Smith just couldn’t fathom why other female students would not want to revert back to the times when women were the property of men.

“Those were the good old days,” Smith said, sighing wistfully. “When women didn’t have to think for themselves – when we didn’t have to do this ridiculous Sadie Hawkins dance mumbo jumbo. If I wanted to have it my way, I’d go to Burger King.”

Jonathon Torres, a senior English major, joined in the protest against Smith and the anti-abortion group. Although the second group of protestors strived to stay calm, peaceful and silent during the day, Torres decided to take it upon himself to completely disregard them.

Instead, Torres got in the anti-abortion individual’s faces, telling them they were stupid and dumb and everyone hated them.

“Their views are bad and they should feel bad,” Torres said. “Even when someone on my side is trying to be reasonable, that’s silly. So I just like to scream, ‘You guys suck!’ to really get my point across.”

Not all of UB participated in the heated protest. Other students, like Alex Jones, a freshman undecided major, protested both protests, claiming both sides were stupid for having a stance at all.

For the protesting-protest protest, a small group of students, lead by Jones, sat in front of Starbucks, yelling things like, “get a job,” or, “having opinions is lame.” But most of the time they just sat there, drinking Red Bull and coming up with clever Tweets like, “Hey, I hear the cheerleaders are giving away free cupcakes in front of the SU. Check it out!”

In true UB fashion, most students agree on one thing: In a couple days, everyone will forget this was ever a big deal and go back to their daily lives of binge drinking and skipping class.

Athlete enraged student newspaper isn’t free from error, even more so that no one else cares

The Spectrum staff attended the latest swim match to show support for the swimmers and to combat rumors that everyone who works for the student newspaper has no clue what swimming actually looks like.

Bobby Howard, a junior computer engineering major, sat in the front row of the bleachers, but he jumped from seat to seat when he realized he had sat in the opposing team’s section. Meanwhile, he heckled the athlete in the water whose name he reported as Peter Worth.

Howard might have swam himself in high school, but the boys splashing and lurching around the pool looked more like fishes out of water than people attempting to win something.

After writing his report on the event, Howard scribbled down the miles and times about “the swim thingy he was forced to sit through” and decided to save himself from the terribly boring thoughts doggy-paddling through his head by watching an important sport: badminton.

Unfortunately for Howard, the information he wrote about Worth was incorrect.

Unfortunately for Worth, no one cared.

That didn’t stop Worth from attempting to rally his troops to his cause, which he described as a battle against the newspaper’s “blasphemous betrayal to not just his humanity, but also the morality of the entire school that was akin to genocide.”

Just like Lennay Kekua, Worth’s importance on campus was fake, and just like Manti Te’o, Worth thought it was real.

Deadspin caught wind of the trouble brewing in UB’s pool but instead decided to cover diving, saying the website wants people to read its articles, not wipe their asses with them.

“Oh, you mean the scoring mistake in that UB newspaper? Yeah, we heard about it,” said Victor Bickel, a writer for Deadspin. “But if we went around talking about every misprint in every newspaper about every sport that no one cares about – actually, people care when Michael Phelps is caught smoking out of a bong – then we’d just be a joke, much like this entire situation.”

The world’s lack of interest in the matter did not stop Worth, who made sure every single one of his Facebook friends knew exactly what terrible fate the newspaper had caused him.

Still, no one really cared, so he’s contemplating taking Howard to court for “defamation of my superb and untarnish-able reputation.

“You know, The Rectum – that’s what I call it now. I know, so funny. I think I’m going to try to trademark it when I’m at some law office or something,” Worth stated while shaking his head and setting his face into a steel-hard grin. “This is my entire life right here they’re ruining, and I need the world to know.”

When asked if he had alerted the newspaper to the mistake, he crossed his arms, pouted his face and continued to stamp his feet, screaming “No! No! No! No! They’re meanies and were mean to me on purpose!” He finally stopped after his coach gave him a water bottle and comforted him by shushing him and saying, “it’s all right, come on now, buck up.”

If you’re going to take pictures, you need to do it right

Veronica Hardy, a freshman geology major, was shocked and dismayed when her floormate, with whom she was having sexual relations, sent the naked pictures she sent him that he said he wouldn’t show a soul to their entire dorm.

She didn’t understand why Ron Kestler, a freshman undecided major, would betray her trust and the “wonderful and strong relationship of two weeks.”

Kestler didn’t understand why she was upset, as most of the boys came to the general consensus that Hardy was “pretty attractive, definitely a sober five; probably a drunk eight.”

Her neighbors’ approval did not alleviate Hardy’s sadness.

“I just can’t fathom why the guy I totally fell for two weeks ago would take my personal pictures that I sent to him in confidence and send them to other people,” Hardy said. “Like, why would a red-blooded male I’m dating, like, show pictures of my naked boobs to his friends?”

Kestler was unaware they were dating, referring to Hardy as the hot blonde who kept calling him for booty calls on the weekend.

“Chick just sent me pictures of her doing weird stuff! I didn’t even ask her for them,” Kestler commented. “If she’s mad I picture messaged them to people, I don’t want to be around her when she finds out I put it on Reddit’s Gone Wild subreddit.”

The pictures – which featured Hardy holding out a cucumber “like she was preparing to stick it in someone else’s bum,” her performing fellatio on a random dude and her posing like a sloth hanging from a tree in her birthday suit – were supposed to be enticing, according to Kestler.

They did not “rev” Kestler’s engine, he said.

Connie Young, a junior art major, received the pictures from her younger brother, who lives on Kestler’s floor. The pictures were poorly done, Young said. The lighting was off, the angles were poorly chosen and Hardy didn’t understand how to position her body.

So Young decided to share tips to ensure pretty pictures that everyone will enjoy. Hardy stressed she didn’t want everyone to see them, they were only for “her man” whom she took them for, to which Young responded, “Are you just pretending, or are you really this stupid?”

“The best way to take a nude ‘selfie,’ first off, is to always use duck face,” Young said. “Guys love duck face. Seriously, I’ve never ever heard a guy complain about girls who squish their lips together, pucker them and look constipated.”

Step two, according to Young, is to make sure you send the man you’re presently having sex with, pictures of you performing sexual acts on other guys. Because guys really enjoy having visual proof that the girl they’re currently having sex with had sex with other guys beforehand.

“If you really want to make him like you, send him a photo collage of you with multiple different men,” Young said. “That way he knows that you’re super experienced.”

Finally, Young advises you keep these pictures inside your work place – maybe somewhere in the ceiling tiles. That way, future generations of employees will be able to see your good work, Young said.

“What’s better than your legacy being documented and shared for years by new and old co-workers?” Young asked. “Nothing, that’s what.”

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UB officials finally figure out what UB 2020 is and how to plan the tentative plan of the plan

UB has just released breaking news: The school has now, definitely, set into motion the plan to form a group of people to plan the plan of the UB 2020 plan.

This move takes them in an almost completely 180-degree change from their preexisting plan – taking bets on how long they could do nothing before people started to catch on.

So after years of making up random speeches and announcements about the school’s UB 2020 plan, executive board member Maurice Hampton has finally come out with the most definitive plan to date. The board sat down with the new think-tank for the first time and already the plan to plan the plan is coming along great. Much better, Hampton said, than the “absolutely nothing” they were doing beforehand.

Hampton also took the time to announce the “super secret” think-tank consists of his 8-year-old nephew Joe’s second grade class.

“We really couldn’t think of any better ideas,” Hampton said. “And since we’ve been spending all the funds on catering, luncheons and pretty stationary, this class was pretty much all we could afford.”

Still, Hampton thinks they are finally starting to make some real progress.

The first thing the think-tank asked Hampton was what UB 2020 actually was.

Hampton has been asked this question thousands of times and still didn’t have the answer. He told the class of 8-year-olds that answering that question was their job.

“If I had the answers, I wouldn’t have had to hire consultants, would I?” Hampton said.

Although Joe couldn’t be reached for comment, because he was either working on the UB 2020 plan or participating in naptime, Hampton stated the class has come up with “innovative and explosive ideas.”

Hampton said the world is changing – economically, demographically and socially. He then pointed at Buffalo on a map of the United States and illustrated that UB was in Buffalo, which is part of the world, so the school would obviously have to change, too.

When asked just how UB would be changing, Hampton pointed us toward his new consultants, in hopes they would have something new to tell the UB population.

They didn’t.

“We have this $5 billion dollars to renovate UB over two decades,” Hampton said. “Thing is, 2020 is only 7 years away, and all we’ve really done so far is plant trees on South Campus. But, I mean, that’s a change, right? So, we weren’tlying.”

The legislation also allows UB to continue increasing tuition over the next four years – $300 for undergraduate tuition, 10 percent for non-resident tuition and 8 percent for graduate and professional programs.

This gives UB approximately $100 million, after five years, to use on more trees and more speeches. When asked if the school has a plan for the money its charging its current students that is supposed to help its future students, Hampton said: “I guess you could say our plan is to create enduring prominence for UB.”

When asked if he could clarify, he said it was best to ask Joe and his 8-year-old consultants, because they knew more than he did.

But once the first draft of the plan is up – although when it will be up is “a big question mark” – Hampton said anyone is allowed to read it. However, he said it might be pointless because most of it is scribbled in crayon with pictures of UB students driving hover cars and ordering robot maids around giving the thumbs up – “because this is set in the future, get it?” Hampton pointed out.

“Oh, no, the consultants didn’t make that draft,” Hampton said proudly. “That was all me. I really think the illustrations make the plan much more credible.”

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Students band together to stop cute, cuddly couples around campus

Carolyn Molina, a sophomore English major, spent the majority of her Saturday night dropping obvious clues about her discomfort, dismay and overall annoyance about her living situation, while her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend made out and blissfully ignored Molina’s general well being.

Because Molina’s roommate, Lucille Irvin, a sophomore history major, has ignored Molina by putting her fingers in her ears and shutting her eyes tight while screaming, “nah nah nah nah, I’m not listening,” Molina has sought the advice of the on-campus support group where students come together and complain about the obnoxiously cute and nauseatingly adorable couples around campus.

The group, aptly named “Screw All the Hand Holders,” stays true to its slogan, “If you listen to music with while sharing ear buds and say things like, ‘my love for you knows no bounds,’ then screw you!”

Molina has taken to wearing a printed T-shirt with the slogan on it. But her roommate (which includes her actual roommate and the boyfriend – she refers to them as a single entity because they literally never detach from each other) has yet to take the hint. They are too busy “fooling around in the shared room, making noises resembling those of a water slide.”

“As much as I hate falling asleep to the sounds of them sucking face, I’d rather hear the kissing than the uncontrollable farting coming from her boyfriend,” Molina said. “I don’t know if I should sleep with ear plugs or nose plugs.”

The worst part about the winter months, according to Jonathon Walden, a senior mechanical engineering major and founder of “Screw All the Hand Holders,” is walking through the couple-filled Student Union, dorm lounges and library.

Walden relishes the days when everyone kept their hands to themselves because “if I’m not getting any, nobody should be getting any.”

The lonely senior even went so far as to attempt to ban any form of PDA, or public displays of affection, from handshakes to pecks on the cheeks to accidental bumps in the crowded hallways, from UB’s campus.

Unfortunately for Walden, Daniel Oaks, secretary of the Student Response Center, simply patted Walden on the back and said, “you’ll lose your virginity one day, kid.”

Although Irvin’s boyfriend lives in the Villas on Rensch, with his own room and a lock on the door, the “lovely-dovey and nauseating” couple likes to spend the majority of their day within Molina’s dorm room.

When asked why, Irvin stated it was because her room “feels like a little slice of home” – her home, not Molina’s. Irvin muttered under her breath, Molina “can screw herself.”

Sadly for Molina, suffering through gross sexual shenanigans doesn’t stop when she leaves her own room. Short of pouring bleach in her eyes – which she’s been debating over the recent days – Molina is forced to see couples listening to “a song that represents a love that will never ever die” while they share headphones and couples who walk with their hands in their significant others’ back pockets.

Molina is waiting impatiently for spring to come because when college kids can brave the weather and walk to the bars without getting frostbite on their appendages, they’ll go back to hooking up with strangers somewhere around South Campus.

Molina can’t wait.

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Research assistant threatens to walk if demands aren’t met, professor opens door

Anthony Ridge, a senior biomedical engineering major, expressed his outrage on Monday after his research adviser, Leonard Calderon, gave him an ultimatum: either Ridge actually start going to the laboratory and do more than make baking soda volcanoes or he is fired.

Ridge was offended by his adviser’s insinuations, stating they were completely false and he did as much work as anyone else in the lab, although he was never actually there when other students were. He showed up whenever he was finished catching up on Breaking Bad, so he couldn’t really be sure how much stuff they actually did. He was pretty positive he did as much work as them, though.

Ridge responded to his adviser by writing a poorly thought out and self-entitled list of demands he required for Calderon’s “ridiculous and unwarranted insult.”

The list included four “get out of jail passes,” which Ridge described as pieces of paper invalidating any grade lower than an 80 (although there were only three graded assignments, Ridge said he just wanted to be careful), no work on weekends, a designated partner at all times – Ridge casually suggested a girl who just happened to be the smartest girl in the class – and some money put on his UB card because he was running out of Campus Cash.

The senior was completely taken aback when Calderon refused to meet his demands.

“All of the hard work I put into that lab – when I actually showed up – and this is how the old dude repays me,” Ridge said, skipping his office hours to complain about how unfair and discriminatory his boss was. “He just hates me because this one time, he caught me making out with a girl on top of our work station. Apparently they had to get the whole lab decontaminated because we knocked over one measly beaker of sodium cyanide, which apparently is ‘dangerous’ or something. I think he was just overreacting, I didn’t read anything about that in my biology 101 textbook.”

Ridge offered to help fix the lab, but when the message containing the time and details of the cleanup were “weirdly” erased from his email inbox, he decided to go on a weekend vacation to Canada instead. It was not his fault “in any way or form,” but he claimed Calderon still held a grudge.

“Whenever I go into the lab and the other students are there, they’re just hanging around and eating,” Ridge said. “At least I go in and make volcanoes. At least I do science and s**t.”

Ridge was unaware he usually entered the laboratory when the students were on their lunch break, as he failed to talk to – or even acknowledge – any of his colleagues.

Emily Bartell, a sophomore biomedical engineering major and Ridge’s colleague, was unaware he even worked in the lab until asked to describe him, which she did as the “guy whose elementary school volcanoes she always had to clean up.”

“I thought Calderon’s fourth grade son was the one leaving those things,” Bartell mused. “They weren’t even that good really. They didn’t even shoot out the baking soda. Are you sure that guy is part of his lab?”

Calderon refused to comment, only shaking his head and muttering, “I swear on his resume he sounded like he was a good choice.”

Ridge said he stole his older brother’s resume.

His future still up in the air because he forgot about the meeting with Calderon that was supposed to decide it, and Ridge is continuing to weigh his options.

“I might just go over Calderon’s head and take my list of demands to the dean of my school, whatever one that is,” Ridge said heatedly. “I guess I have to check the HUB first. You know what, maybe I’ll just join another lab and make my volcanoes there. That’ll show that uptight bigot. Actually, that means I’ll have to add more to my resume. Maybe I’ll just go watch Breaking Bad.”

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Admissions Office admits half of student population illiterate

After the general undergraduate population spent the majority of the semester watching students play Temple Run during World Civilizations, seeing the library filled with students watching Jersey Shore and the overall lack of opened books anywhere on campus, the Admissions Office finally set the record straight.

Half the undergraduate student population of UB is, in fact, illiterate.

“It’s not like we were trying to keep it a secret,” said Jeanette Hobart, secretary of the Admissions Office. “I mean, why do you think most students in your classes are on their computers? It’s not because they’re procrastinating, lazy or even hungover. They’re, like, seriously illiterate.”

Hobart assumed all the actual literate and intelligent students knew they shared the university with adults who couldn’t read. According to her, UB doesn’t try to hide the fact they allow almost anyone into any class. It’s part of the school’s “If You Have the Money, We Don’t Care How Stupid, Rude or Downright Douchebag-y You Are, Come To UB” program.

Craig Riggs, a senior business administration major, is one of the students involved in the program. Riggs never took school seriously and his parents didn’t care enough to force him to do “school things,” like reading, writing or thinking.

Many of his classmates consider him a “super scumbag” because he yells over his Psychology 101 professor during class as he details his “super awesome weekend.” He gives in-depth, inaccurate play-by-plays of every Eagles game (he’s a big Vick fan), and he mass emails his class come test time and asks for notes.

His emails read, “hi Me need notes Reed 2 me?”

Surprisingly, no one responded.

Good thing for Riggs, he still received a passing grade on the test. Because half of his classmates also suffer from his condition of not being able to read or write – or even talk in coherent sentences – the grades were heavily curved. He received a C for only writing his name.

Tina Scanlan, a senior psychology major, once worked with Riggs on a group project. She described him as a Forrest Gump simpleton without the charm and comedic timing of Tom Hanks.

“He would never write anything down,” Scanlan remembered. “Now that you mention it, [his illiteracy] totally makes sense. I asked him once to make an introductory slide on psychology and he asked me how to spell ‘intro.’ I mean, then he asked me what intro meant.”

Scanlan informed her professor about Riggs’ lack of work on the group project, to which the professor responded, “Oh yeah, it’s OK. He has a very serious condition. Don’t bring it up, though. It’s a very sensitive subject.”

After learning about what exactly the condition was, Scanlan called both her professor and her former partner“jackasses.” She has since transferred to a “real school.”

Robyn Mallard, a freshman undecided major, came to UB specifically because no one else accepted her. She has been illiterate since she decided learning “hurt her brain” and “got in the way of watching The Real World and looking at the pictures in National Inquirer.” Mallard has been struggling with her first semester of college.

UB had no problem helping her out, according to Hobart, because as part of the program, it doesn’t matter how much effort Mallard puts forth as long as her tuition bill is on time, she gets an A.

While many students who actually do their homework and work hard in their classes are upset at the recent discovery of illiterate classmates, Hobart said they’d be even more surprised at the scholarship money given through the “If You Have the Money, We Don’t Care How Stupid, Rude or Downright Douchebag-y You Are, Come To UB” program.

“It’s important to show the illiterates just because they can’t or won’t do their work, they’re still entitled to go to school with people who actually try,” Hobart said. “That’s UB’s message. We don’t care if you try or not, as long as you come here and give us money, you’re welcome.”

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM

Trick or Treat, Bitches

Robert Johnson, a freshman undecided major, was excited to celebrate his first college Halloween. As a lover of all things scary, Johnson was ready for trick or treating in University Heights.

Johnson went as Freddy Kreuger, as he has every year since he was 12 years old. After spending two hours applying the makeup, Johnson jumped onto the Stampede with his pillowcase in hand, hoping he would be able to fit all his candy in it.

Instead of ghosts and ghouls, Johnson was greeted by “prostitute-like felines” who propositioned him for alcohol and “uninspiredgangnam styles” who wanted to “fornicate with slutty bunnies.”

It was terrible, according to Johnson.

“The first house I went to, there were girls in their underwear all over the place,” Johnson said. “One of them was wearing a pink bra with what I think were leopard ears. Leopards are not pink.”

When Johnson walked to the door among dozens of Tom Cruise lookalikes, knock-off Avengers and girls in bikinis, he wasn’t greeted with “Hey! Nice costume,” as he expected. Instead, fellow students asked him why he looked so scary. Johnson didn’t understand the question.

“I don’t get college,” Johnson said. “When I rang the doorbell and said, ‘trick or treat,’ some guy who lives at the house gave me a drink. I just wanted some Snickers.”

After getting a drink thrown at him by an oversized bumblebee, Johnson decided to take the drink and walk to the next house, empty pillowcase in hand. He received drinks at every house on the block.

Johnson was eventually found the next morning, sans costume, in a bush, cuddling with a slutty nurse. His pillowcase was nowhere to be found.

Jose Heyer, a sophomore communication major, chose to spend Halloween dressed as a police officer. Unfortunately for him, no one has actually seen what a UB police officer looks like, so he was forcibly removed from each and every party he tried to attend.

Kathryn Lightfoot, a senior English major, decided to stand out for her final Halloween in Buffalo.

“I decided to be something completely different this year, something no one else would ever think to be – a sexy rabbit,” Lightfoot said.

Unfortunately for Lightfoot, she didn’t think to check in Target, Party City or any store within a 20-mile radius before deciding on the costume, so when she entered a Halloween party on Winspear, she was one of 10 sexy rabbits.

Her night of bad luck did not end there. After leaving the party and seeing a “sexy, rugged, and somewhat dirty man” sitting outside of 7-11, Lightfoot decided to take him home with her.

“His homeless man costume was so original, and he wore it so well,” Lightfoot said. “My roommates were all so jealous of the hot guy I snagged.”

Lightfoot, unaware that the man was actually homeless, awoke the next morning to a house missing a television,computer and all nonperishable food.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM

Roomies Fo Life

Many students who are away from home for the first time must adjust to living with a stranger in such close proximity. Some are fortunate enough to become very close to their new roomies and form a strong bond right away.

Unfortunately for some UB students, their roommates are more comparable to Snooki than Rachel from Friends and have to deal with smelly, rude or downright repulsive living partners.

“I think my roommate, Jessie, might be a nudist,” said Crystal Vestal, freshman undecided major. “She never has clothes on – except when she goes to class – and every time a boy comes over, he’s nude, too. I mean, it’s her life choice. Who am I to tell her to put a bra on?”

Vestal often hears weird noises coming from the other side of the room, like the grunting and groaning of a suckling pig or the shrill shriek of a banshee. Many times, she doesn’t want to interrupt her roommate’s daily prayers – she hears the continual repetition of phrases like, “get on your knees,” “Beg for forgiveness” or “Oh, God!”

Resident Adviser Carl Harville, a senior English major, has seen his fair share of eclectic pairs come through his floor.

One girl, according to Harville, would sit in her dorm room – in the now-deserted Schoellkopf Hall – and listen to her roommate’s telephone conversations. She sat behind her desk with headphones in, with no music or sound was streaming through them, and wrote down everything her roommate said.

“Her life was so depressingly boring and sad that she was forced to steal topics of conversations,” Harville said. “Once her roommate found out, that’s when it got awkward. Even more awkward when I had to write up the creeper’s roommate for having sexual relations on her bed.”

Another freshman resident, according to Harville, would walk around the floor with a loaf of wheat – never white – bread in his hand, as he stroked each and every door in the girls’ wing of Schoellkopf Hall.

There was also a boy who was too lazy to walk to the bathroom, so he decided to pee in an empty Gatorade bottle on his roommate’s side of the room, according to Harville.

“He missed,” Harville said. “It went everywhere. We aren’t friends anymore.”

Not all roommates are so combative, however. Some are incredibly close – sometimes too close.

“I have separation anxiety,” said Timothy Carmack, a sophomore communication major. “I used to sleep in bed with my parents when I was scared or just lonely. Good thing I have a roommate now, so I can just crawl and cuddle up next to him. We’re really close like that.”

His roommate, Mithun Alam, a sophomore biological science major and international student from India, believesCarmack’s behavior is simply a part of American culture. Alam’s goal is to fit into his new environment and said he just “goes with the flow.”

Carmack’s previous roommate was not as easygoing.

Eric Gerber, a senior mathematics major, was a heavy sleeper while dorming with Carmack. He didn’t realize Carmack would crawl into his bed in the middle of the night until a floor mate asked him if he and Carmack were “together.”

Gerber immediately transferred to a school in Florida and cannot be reached for comment at this time.

PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM 10/18/2012

Buffalo: The Best and Brightest of All the Cities

Watch out, New York City, with your delicious pizza, bright lights and endless opportunities. Step back, London, with your rich history. Who cares what’s happening in Los Angeles on Hollywood Boulevard and the Sunset Strip?

It’s all about Buffalo, baby.

As recently decided by every single news outlet in the country, Buffalo has been named the most awesome, upscale and sophisticated city in the entire universe.

“It wasn’t a hard decision,” said Kayla Lakin, a member of the committee board who voted in favor of the Queen City. “All you have to do is walk around Buffalo – look at the booming nightlife, the vibrant and open-minded people, the delicious food and, of course, the success of its sports teams. It was a no-brainer.”

The city owns an overwhelming smell of vomit that coats the city alongside a cloud of apathy, depression and misplaced angst. It also boasts decrepit, decaying buildings and infrastructure. From University Heights to downtown Buffalo, it’s clear the city is top notch.

Like the setting of a classic noir film – with rundown apartment complexes, nefarious men and women walking the unlit streets and a total lack of police authority –  Buffalo looks downright spiffy.

“I can totally understand why Buffalo was voted the best city ever,” said Joshua Brill, a sophomore mechanical engineering major. “After my car got broken into, that’s when I knew how smart I was for moving here. The robbers might have broken my window and pulled out my radio, but they didn’t steal my car. Now that’s courtesy.”

In University Heights, students are privileged to see Buffalo live up to its epithet: the City of Good Neighbors. Many of the people who have seen the kindness firsthand have not lived to tell the tale or are still in the hospital.

Tina Murillo, a senior accounting major, loves stopping to talk to her neighbors – an off-campus fraternity. Armed with a pocketknife and pepper spray, Murillo considers it bonding time when she has to yell at the drunken freshmen peeing on the side of her house.

“I really enjoy the noise and the constant stream of people knocking on my door, expecting a frat party. It’s kind of like I’m really popular,” Murillo said. “And when I’m feeling down about myself, I just look out of my balcony and see the creepy dude next door masturbating while he looks at me. It really boosts my self-esteem.”

After moving downtown, Edward Heinz, a first year biochemistry graduate student, got to know members of the community rather well. As he walked to his car (in a lot one block from the Roswell Cancer Institute), Heinz had a run in with a group of local teens.

“Two 13-year-olds robbed me with a gun,” Heinz recalled. “They were unaware that college students have no money, so I told them to take my books. They didn’t know they were worth over $500. Finally, they took my $200 laptop.”

Wanting to be a good neighbor, Heinz called out to them as they were running away – the two boys forgot the charger.

“I had to give it to them,” Heinz said. “How would they know how to charge my laptop without it?”

Another reason for the city’s success is Buffalo’s culinary expertise, according to Glenn Bank, another member of the committee.

“Buffalo wings are just a masterpiece,” Bank said. “A real culinary treat.”

Nightlife is one of Alison Auten’s favorite parts of Buffalo. Auten is a freshman undecided major. After coming from New York City, she finally understood the definition of fun when she set foot in Northside Bar on Main Street.

The dance floor, or “the hallway” as the regulars like to refer to it, is by far the coolest part. Not only does the DJ pump new jams like “Call Me Maybe,” but the bar’s so popular that there’s no room to walk without rubbing against someone, Auten said.

“I can’t even move without someone accidently grabbing my ass or falling into me and using my boobs as support,” Auten said. “That’s how you know a bar is off the hook!”

Whether it’s the rich history – a U.S. president got murdered here – or the underrated sports teams (what a great season the Bills are having), Buffalo oozes success.

The All-America city is truly deserving of its new title: the most super duper city in the entire universe.

PUBLISHED 10/10/12 IN THE SPECTRUM.