Students band together to stop cute, cuddly couples around campus

Carolyn Molina, a sophomore English major, spent the majority of her Saturday night dropping obvious clues about her discomfort, dismay and overall annoyance about her living situation, while her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend made out and blissfully ignored Molina’s general well being.

Because Molina’s roommate, Lucille Irvin, a sophomore history major, has ignored Molina by putting her fingers in her ears and shutting her eyes tight while screaming, “nah nah nah nah, I’m not listening,” Molina has sought the advice of the on-campus support group where students come together and complain about the obnoxiously cute and nauseatingly adorable couples around campus.

The group, aptly named “Screw All the Hand Holders,” stays true to its slogan, “If you listen to music with while sharing ear buds and say things like, ‘my love for you knows no bounds,’ then screw you!”

Molina has taken to wearing a printed T-shirt with the slogan on it. But her roommate (which includes her actual roommate and the boyfriend – she refers to them as a single entity because they literally never detach from each other) has yet to take the hint. They are too busy “fooling around in the shared room, making noises resembling those of a water slide.”

“As much as I hate falling asleep to the sounds of them sucking face, I’d rather hear the kissing than the uncontrollable farting coming from her boyfriend,” Molina said. “I don’t know if I should sleep with ear plugs or nose plugs.”

The worst part about the winter months, according to Jonathon Walden, a senior mechanical engineering major and founder of “Screw All the Hand Holders,” is walking through the couple-filled Student Union, dorm lounges and library.

Walden relishes the days when everyone kept their hands to themselves because “if I’m not getting any, nobody should be getting any.”

The lonely senior even went so far as to attempt to ban any form of PDA, or public displays of affection, from handshakes to pecks on the cheeks to accidental bumps in the crowded hallways, from UB’s campus.

Unfortunately for Walden, Daniel Oaks, secretary of the Student Response Center, simply patted Walden on the back and said, “you’ll lose your virginity one day, kid.”

Although Irvin’s boyfriend lives in the Villas on Rensch, with his own room and a lock on the door, the “lovely-dovey and nauseating” couple likes to spend the majority of their day within Molina’s dorm room.

When asked why, Irvin stated it was because her room “feels like a little slice of home” – her home, not Molina’s. Irvin muttered under her breath, Molina “can screw herself.”

Sadly for Molina, suffering through gross sexual shenanigans doesn’t stop when she leaves her own room. Short of pouring bleach in her eyes – which she’s been debating over the recent days – Molina is forced to see couples listening to “a song that represents a love that will never ever die” while they share headphones and couples who walk with their hands in their significant others’ back pockets.

Molina is waiting impatiently for spring to come because when college kids can brave the weather and walk to the bars without getting frostbite on their appendages, they’ll go back to hooking up with strangers somewhere around South Campus.

Molina can’t wait.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM

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