Monthly Archives: July 2012

Student Crushed When Night of Passion With Stranger Does Not Result in Long-Term Relationship

Jennifer Taylor, sophomore communications major, was shocked, crushed, and downright befuddled when the man she had just met at a bar, and then proceeded to go home with, made it clear that he just wasn’t that into her.

“I thought we really had something special,” Taylor explained through tear soaked eyes as the stream of makeup oozed down her face. “Like, he told me I was the hottest, smartest, coolest, girl he’d ever met. What changed? What changed?”

The two met at The Steer, a popular bar for UB students. It was luck and Taylor’s extremely tiny bladder that brought the pair together when Ryan Burns, senior communications major, offered Taylor a hand after she fell onto the vomit and pee soaked floor.

“He was like, my knight in shining armor, but in jeans and a blowout. He was my knight in jeans and a blowout,” Taylor looked back fondly. “He grabbed my ass – and my boobs too I think – during my fall but it was totally an accident.”

Burns and Taylor then pushed past the throngs of stumbling and gyrating students on the “dance floor” and made their way to the bar. Taylor was amazed at all of the things the two had in common.

When she said that she loved the Twilight movies, Burns responded that J.K Rowling was his favorite author. When she said that she loved watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he told her that he had it Tivoed. “We were perfect together, just perfect,” Taylor wailed.

As the night drew to a close, Burns invited Taylor to his house in the Heights and because of their “deep connection” she agreed. After a night of passionate love-making, Taylor prepared to spend the night but Burns informed her that he was prone to night terrors, so she wouldn’t be able to stay.

“He was always so thoughtful. He said he didn’t want to lash out and hit me in his sleep,” Taylor remembered.

Taylor gave Burns her number and then walked alone – shoeless and panty-less (as she assumed she would get them the next time) – to the bus stop. “It was worth waiting in the frigid cold surrounded by girls throwing up in bushes and guys trying to see down my shirt,” Taylor said. “It was just such a magical evening.”

Or so she thought. After not receiving a phone call, a text message, or even a Facebook friend request, Taylor chalked the suspicious behavior up to Burns being busy. It wasn’t until the next weekend, when she saw him making out with a “cheap, ugly, fat bitch” that Taylor realized her love was not reciprocated. Stunned and too wounded for words, she walked up to the first guy she saw and proceeded to stick her tongue down his throat.

“He promised we’d watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians together!” Taylor yelled.

When questioned about the ordeal, Burns commented: “you mean the chick with the nice ass? I thought her name was Mariah.”

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Freshmen Tricked Into Thinking UB Is Great

As freshmen walked onto UB’s campus for their orientation, they were greeted with the cold-hearted smiles of Orientation Aids, maliciously pretending to be “happy UB students.” Lured into a false sense of camaraderie, school spirit, and excitement, freshmen flushed with pride as they walked around their future school.

Meanwhile, UB upperclassmen set up camp around campus during the freshmen orientation to point and laugh at the wide-eyed innocent kids.

“These little shits are so naive,” said John Smith, senior business management major.

Smith and his friends walked through the Student Union in the guise of helpful Orientation Aids, as they said – between smirks and giggles – things like, “No, the winter’s not that bad. I barely ever need a jacket,” and “Oh you’ll be getting a refund check? Don’t worry; you’ll definitely get it within the first month.”

Between scratching his balls within his three-year-old UB sweatpants, playing “Who can Belch the Loudest” with his frat buddies, and pointing out which girl he’s going to bang at his Frat house come the Fall, Smith took the time to impart his sage “advice” onto freshmen.

They all seemed pleased with Smith, gazing in wonder at the upperclassman that selectively chose which frosh he wanted to impart his wise advice on. Incoming freshmen Ronald Hill was particularly inspired.

“He told me that all girls at UB love gingers,” Hill said as he smoothed down his tangled and frizzy mop of fire-red hair. “I’m set for next year. John said I can even come to all of his fraternity parties, free of charge!”

When asked about the freshman’s statement, Smith laughed and replied, “Oh that ginger douche? Like I’d let him into my kickass parties.” Smith returned to the Student Union, not before sharing a first-bump with his frat brother, and went back to tricking more unsuspecting kids.

As freshmen found friends amongst each other and sat down to eat the delicious food UB ordered out for them, Smith walked around dispensing more wisdom such as: the friends you’ll make at orientation will be your best friends forever, and, you better get used to all of this delicious food, because that’s what you’ll be eating for the next four years!

Orientation Aids also played a part in the trickery, telling stories of how great UB is and how wonderful the faculty and administration treat all of its students. “No, we’re not just number to here! Teachers and board members are really good listeners,” said one orientation aid when asked how best to deal with being in a large school. She went on to say that administration really takes time to get to know each of UB’s 30,000 students personally and that she even goes out to eat with her advisor to the best food joint on campus: the Goodyear Dining Hall. “Her nickname for me is 64157835!” The Aid exclaimed.

“I’m doing them a service, really.” Smith said after telling one girl that all UB men treat women with love and respect. “They’ll have the next month to think UB is awesome, until they actually start school and all their dreams are crushed.”

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