Jennifer Taylor, sophomore communications major, was shocked, crushed, and downright befuddled when the man she had just met at a bar, and then proceeded to go home with, made it clear that he just wasn’t that into her.
“I thought we really had something special,” Taylor explained through tear soaked eyes as the stream of makeup oozed down her face. “Like, he told me I was the hottest, smartest, coolest, girl he’d ever met. What changed? What changed?”
The two met at The Steer, a popular bar for UB students. It was luck and Taylor’s extremely tiny bladder that brought the pair together when Ryan Burns, senior communications major, offered Taylor a hand after she fell onto the vomit and pee soaked floor.
“He was like, my knight in shining armor, but in jeans and a blowout. He was my knight in jeans and a blowout,” Taylor looked back fondly. “He grabbed my ass – and my boobs too I think – during my fall but it was totally an accident.”
Burns and Taylor then pushed past the throngs of stumbling and gyrating students on the “dance floor” and made their way to the bar. Taylor was amazed at all of the things the two had in common.
When she said that she loved the Twilight movies, Burns responded that J.K Rowling was his favorite author. When she said that she loved watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he told her that he had it Tivoed. “We were perfect together, just perfect,” Taylor wailed.
As the night drew to a close, Burns invited Taylor to his house in the Heights and because of their “deep connection” she agreed. After a night of passionate love-making, Taylor prepared to spend the night but Burns informed her that he was prone to night terrors, so she wouldn’t be able to stay.
“He was always so thoughtful. He said he didn’t want to lash out and hit me in his sleep,” Taylor remembered.
Taylor gave Burns her number and then walked alone – shoeless and panty-less (as she assumed she would get them the next time) – to the bus stop. “It was worth waiting in the frigid cold surrounded by girls throwing up in bushes and guys trying to see down my shirt,” Taylor said. “It was just such a magical evening.”
Or so she thought. After not receiving a phone call, a text message, or even a Facebook friend request, Taylor chalked the suspicious behavior up to Burns being busy. It wasn’t until the next weekend, when she saw him making out with a “cheap, ugly, fat bitch” that Taylor realized her love was not reciprocated. Stunned and too wounded for words, she walked up to the first guy she saw and proceeded to stick her tongue down his throat.
“He promised we’d watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians together!” Taylor yelled.
When questioned about the ordeal, Burns commented: “you mean the chick with the nice ass? I thought her name was Mariah.”