Protests, Protests Everywhere

On Wednesday afternoon, Elizabeth Murphy, an associate professor of geography, was forced to abandon her 1 p.m. class after learning that her daughter had been arrested.

Marie Murphy, her daughter, was taken out of her third grade class after saying a fellow classmate’s presentation “looks like something she dumps in the toilet.”

The poster board accompanying the presentation featured pictures of tortured Barbie dolls being murdered by G.I. Joes, and the captions said things like: “This is totally the exact same thing as when you torture and kill small animals in real life.”

Murphy did not agree, but voicing her opinion landed her in time out, and when she refused to be quiet during the presentation, her professor had no other course of action but to call the police and have her escorted to a jail cell.

Murphy believes the outburst was a result of her daughter seeing bloody fetuses, decapitated corpses and a crowd of hippies in front of the Student Union on their way home from preschool.

Murphy tried to shield her daughter’s eyes from the “f**king ridiculous images.”

Unfortunately, Murphy didn’t have the strength to stop the “old man from Jurassic-Park look-a-like” from holding the third grader hostage until she knew what a ticking time bomb her vagina is.

“A 50-year-old man told me that I should buy my daughter a chastity belt until she was married, because the only use for her vagina should be breeding purposes,” Murphy said. “Then, some little college boy who reeked of virginity tried to explain the intricacies of my own vagina to me. What the f**k is going on here?”

Murphy was then quickly thrown into the squad car for her abominable profanity.

Andrea Smith, a sophomore communication major and host of the “Let’s compare the termination of non-sentient beings to the deliberate torture and destruction of entire races” presentation beamed with joy as the police continued to take away harassers.

“You know, it’s very hurtful when someone comes up to you and says something so ignorant and with such conviction, too,” Smith said, as she wiped another spitball off of a picture featuring a smiling woman locked in a cage, surrounded by virgins giving the thumbs up.

What surprised Smith the most about the abortion rights counter-protest was the amount of women on the other side. Smith just couldn’t fathom why other female students would not want to revert back to the times when women were the property of men.

“Those were the good old days,” Smith said, sighing wistfully. “When women didn’t have to think for themselves – when we didn’t have to do this ridiculous Sadie Hawkins dance mumbo jumbo. If I wanted to have it my way, I’d go to Burger King.”

Jonathon Torres, a senior English major, joined in the protest against Smith and the anti-abortion group. Although the second group of protestors strived to stay calm, peaceful and silent during the day, Torres decided to take it upon himself to completely disregard them.

Instead, Torres got in the anti-abortion individual’s faces, telling them they were stupid and dumb and everyone hated them.

“Their views are bad and they should feel bad,” Torres said. “Even when someone on my side is trying to be reasonable, that’s silly. So I just like to scream, ‘You guys suck!’ to really get my point across.”

Not all of UB participated in the heated protest. Other students, like Alex Jones, a freshman undecided major, protested both protests, claiming both sides were stupid for having a stance at all.

For the protesting-protest protest, a small group of students, lead by Jones, sat in front of Starbucks, yelling things like, “get a job,” or, “having opinions is lame.” But most of the time they just sat there, drinking Red Bull and coming up with clever Tweets like, “Hey, I hear the cheerleaders are giving away free cupcakes in front of the SU. Check it out!”

In true UB fashion, most students agree on one thing: In a couple days, everyone will forget this was ever a big deal and go back to their daily lives of binge drinking and skipping class.

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