The Spectrum staff attended the latest swim match to show support for the swimmers and to combat rumors that everyone who works for the student newspaper has no clue what swimming actually looks like.
Bobby Howard, a junior computer engineering major, sat in the front row of the bleachers, but he jumped from seat to seat when he realized he had sat in the opposing team’s section. Meanwhile, he heckled the athlete in the water whose name he reported as Peter Worth.
Howard might have swam himself in high school, but the boys splashing and lurching around the pool looked more like fishes out of water than people attempting to win something.
After writing his report on the event, Howard scribbled down the miles and times about “the swim thingy he was forced to sit through” and decided to save himself from the terribly boring thoughts doggy-paddling through his head by watching an important sport: badminton.
Unfortunately for Howard, the information he wrote about Worth was incorrect.
Unfortunately for Worth, no one cared.
That didn’t stop Worth from attempting to rally his troops to his cause, which he described as a battle against the newspaper’s “blasphemous betrayal to not just his humanity, but also the morality of the entire school that was akin to genocide.”
Just like Lennay Kekua, Worth’s importance on campus was fake, and just like Manti Te’o, Worth thought it was real.
Deadspin caught wind of the trouble brewing in UB’s pool but instead decided to cover diving, saying the website wants people to read its articles, not wipe their asses with them.
“Oh, you mean the scoring mistake in that UB newspaper? Yeah, we heard about it,” said Victor Bickel, a writer for Deadspin. “But if we went around talking about every misprint in every newspaper about every sport that no one cares about – actually, people care when Michael Phelps is caught smoking out of a bong – then we’d just be a joke, much like this entire situation.”
The world’s lack of interest in the matter did not stop Worth, who made sure every single one of his Facebook friends knew exactly what terrible fate the newspaper had caused him.
Still, no one really cared, so he’s contemplating taking Howard to court for “defamation of my superb and untarnish-able reputation.
“You know, The Rectum – that’s what I call it now. I know, so funny. I think I’m going to try to trademark it when I’m at some law office or something,” Worth stated while shaking his head and setting his face into a steel-hard grin. “This is my entire life right here they’re ruining, and I need the world to know.”
When asked if he had alerted the newspaper to the mistake, he crossed his arms, pouted his face and continued to stamp his feet, screaming “No! No! No! No! They’re meanies and were mean to me on purpose!” He finally stopped after his coach gave him a water bottle and comforted him by shushing him and saying, “it’s all right, come on now, buck up.”