Monthly Archives: September 2012

Breaking News: cops useless, chivalry dead

This past weekend, the streets of the University Heights were filled with kids getting drunk, kids acting out scenes from Reefer Madness,kids throwing sucker punches at unsuspecting students and cops patrolling the streets throwing tickets in the air, making it rain.

Basically, it was the same things that happen every weekend.

UB and Buffalo Police showcased their utter lack of skill, concern and common sense as they lurked around Winspear blindly choosing which house party they wanted to break up.

After deciding on the party that would probably lead to the most arrests – and therefore more tickets and a full quota – they attempted to kick the door in (unsuccessfully, as they took a tumble into the house).

In an attempt to maintain their authority, they immediately shoved their flashlights into the party-goers’ eyes and started running around, punching and kicking red Solo cups out of students’ hands.

“I was really inspired by Super Troopers,” said Gary Albanese, a UB police officer. “Farva is just an inspiration, the way he connects with people and how committed and respectable he is. I just try to be him.”

Albanese and his three fellow police officers, instead of watching out for the horde of students leaving the house, spent an hour inspecting the house, finding ways to assert their power and “Chuck Norris skills.”

As Albanese continued searching the house, kids leaving the party took advantage of the cops’ lack of acknowledgement (or concern) about any actual crimes or fights happening right outside.

Josephine Doe, a junior communication major, was particularly thrilled that she could illustrate how tough she was.

Doe and her fellow 13 friends ran after a smaller group of girls, harassing and yelling at their backs, as the small group tried to ignore them. Ironically, while calling their adversaries sluts, whores and other terms for loose women, Doe and friends were out that night celebrating their recently acquired penis flyer miles.

“What better way to showcase how big and tough we are then to get a group of 14 girls together and harass six girls on their way home?” Doe asked.

Doe and the other 13 girls proceeded to show how awesome and badass they are by attacking the straggler of their enemy’s group with a courageous sucker punch to the back of her head. But the girl deserved it, according to Doe, with all of the provocation she was throwing the group’s way by sprinting away as fast as she could.

Police were on the scene of the incident completely by accident. While looking to fulfill their ticket quota by breaking up parties and handing out parking tickets – with dreams of their pensions filling their minds – they saw the “fight” occur.

In order to protect their freshly dry-cleaned uniforms and stay out of the scuffle, the cops parked their car at the end of the street to see how things would play out.

“It’s our job to protect the students living in the heights and after much speculation, we’ve decided the best way to do that is to break up frat parties,” Albanese said.

Meanwhile, in his peripheral vision, Albanese refused to acknowledge two kids getting jumped by a group of 15 – the victim ended up in the hospital, while the attackers went off to brag about how they won a fight one against five.

“I value UB police so much,” said Terry Landin, sophomore exercise science major. “Last year I was viciously attacked by a rampaging man who smoked like one-tenth of a gram of marijuana. As he was munching down on his 7-11 hot dog, he just was filled with so much energy that he beat me to a bloody pulp. Thank goodness the cops are focusing on busting weed dealers. Finally I can feel safe in the Heights once again.”

Now students must face the fact: chivalry is dead. Fair fights ended when challenging someone to fisticuffs went out of style.

Chivalry has been jumped, sucker punched, gutted and stomped on until, finally, it died on the streets of the University Heights.

Both UB and Buffalo Police assisted in its death, claiming the “son of a b*tch deserved it,” as it tried to tell them how to do their job protecting and serving the community.



“I’ve been waiting all summer to see these amazing football players,” said no one ever

UB’s football team lost its third game of the season Wednesday night to Kent State, 23-7. Surrounded by unresponsive fans who cared much more about tailgating before and winning free stuff during, the game was as nail-biting as watching The 700 Club on repeat.

Football players resorted to bribery in order to fill the stands during their games. For hours they stood within the Union, handing out ice cream sandwiches as they begged students to watch them half-heartedly let Kent State trample over them.

They were quite successful, filling the stands with students and families covered head to toe in blue – some even taking the opportunity to paint their stomachs.

“Yeah, I’m staying until the end of the first quarter so I can say that I at least stayed half the game,” said Vivian Colin, a sophomore health and human services major.

During the first half, as the Bulls struggled to reach the 50-yard line, spectators were forced to find their entertainment anywhere but the actual game.

Many focused their attention on the bottles of vodka they snuck into the stadium or decided playing Words With Friends was more engaging.

One student spotted something sparkly in the student section and spent the remaining 2 hours and 45 minutes of the game staring at it.

Students were lured into a false sense of success after the game against Morgan State, in which the Bulls scored 56 points. Too bad for the uninformed masses; the win was equivalent to the horde of 20 kids beating and hospitalizing their two unsuspecting victims last weekend on Winspear.

Becky McMillion, a freshman undecided major, attended the football game with a group of her floor mates. With no background knowledge of the sport other than cheering for the “super sexy” Tom Brady because of her love for GiseleBundchen, her hope was to impress men with being sport savvy.

“I had no idea how much I would actually enjoy football, but I’m really getting into it,” McMillion said. “I’m such a huge Bills fan now!”

McMillion promptly started jumping up and down, cheering for the team running the ball into the end zone. Unbeknownst to the “hardcore fan,” it was Kent State scoring.

UB Stadium was silent other than the occasional conversation in the stands about how excited people were to go to bed, what they were going to eat for breakfast and any other possible topic unrelated to the game. At various times during the game, however, loud cheers and screams erupted from the audience.

Unfortunately for the players, the screaming did not correlate with their actual good plays (which happened twice throughout the entire game) but when spectators had the opportunity to catch free T-shirts flying through the air.

The T-shirt throws were more accurate than junior quarterback Alex Zordich. Later, the student responsible for throwing out free T-shirts was approached by head coach Jeff Quinn and asked to play quarterback against UConn.

He declined, stating he only likes winning.

It was decided that the most valuable player of the game was not an actual football player at all, but the student who caught footballs during half time in order to win free pizza.

In hindsight, students regretted their decision to attend the game. No matter how much alcohol they were able to chug quickly before they entered the stadium, the only thing more painful than sitting through the whole game would have been getting tackled by the Kent State players themselves.


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Oh look, a new bus, AND it’s Gone.

The Stampede has been revamped this year – the buses look nice, they’re shiny, they’re pretty and apparently they’re air-conditioned. Unfortunately, only a few students have seen – let alone sat in – the new buses, leading many to believe they simply don’t exist.

Other students who have had the privilege of earning a seat on the exceptional buses give them credit for the unique ways in which the transportation system has improved their lives.

For Ryan Winters, a sophomore English major, the new busing system has given him the chance to explore more of Buffalo.

“After waiting an hour for a bus, I said to myself, ‘Hey, I might as well just walk to campus,’” Winters said. “Unfortunately, I got lost and ended up somewhere on Bailey. I only got my backpack and wallet stolen! I was lucky. When I finally walked back to the bus stop, wouldn’t you know it, but the same people I saw earlier were still waiting!”

Winters waited another 15 minutes until finally, a bus appeared on the horizon. Too bad for him, he couldn’t fit with everyone else and was promptly kicked off the bus.

Other students have decided to camp out at the bus stops, never wanting to miss the rare opportunity to actually make it to their classes on time. Tents, sleeping bags and makeshift grills have been spotted on both South and North Campuses, where students have set up shop.

“This busing system has really helped me work on my Boy Scout skills,” said Bryan Hodge, a senior anthropology major. “I get to set up tents, work on my grilling skills – I can finally make one hell of a hotdog. And keep this on the down low, but I also heard that sometime in the near future we’re going to build a campfire! Know what that means?S’mores!”

Although faced with a small section of scrutiny from students, administrators had this to say: “What do you mean buses haven’t been received well by the students? They’re air conditioned!” Then added, “People are saying they’re running slowly? Impossible! We’ve added four more to the fleet!”

One of the new features of the transportation system is the UB smartphone application, which tracks where buses are on campus. Lucky for students that have a smartphone (because obviously everyone at the state school of UB is privileged with the financial stability to own an iPhone or an Android), they are now able to locate exactly where the bus that will – probably – pick them up is.

For Sheila Lubelli, sophomore geography major, the application is not as helpful to her as it is for other students.

“I’m looking at this iPhone application and it says that there are not only two out-of-service buses here,” Lubelli said, pointing to a parking lot void of Stampedes. “It also says there’s a bus right in front of me! I mean, I’m happy that UBhas mastered Wonder Woman’s invisible-plane technology, I really am. I just wish I wielded the necessary superpowers to utilize it.”

Stampede drivers, like Mike Williams, claim they’re, “just helping the UB students out.” When a group of kids starts running (or walking fast) to catch Williams’ bus, he promptly hightails it out of there as quickly as he can.

“I’m helping these kids,” Williams said. “I’ve read all about how Americans are fat and ugly, so I make ‘em run to catch the bus. If they don’t make it in time, oh well. Guess they’ll have to eat less McDonalds and more lettuce!”

A select group of drivers, Williams included, bored with the monotony of simply doing their job and driving the buses, have started a game. They call it, “how many college kids can we squeeze into these small, uncomfortable and poorly designed buses.”

“But problem with it is that we need to wait until a lot of students are around if we want to have a chance at winning,” Williams said. “Half the time, I’m just waiting around the corner with binoculars until there are enough kids to stuff in this hunk o’ junk. Sometimes I have to wait 20 or 30 minutes.”

Williams must also battle the other drivers to get to the horde of students first. Thankfully for him, he’s quite good at the game and usually has two or three buses trailing behind him.


Student Didn’t Get Laid This Weekend, Confused As To Why

Jonathon Myers, a freshman communication major, felt a severe blow to his confidence over the course of Labor Day weekend, due to what he believes is UB’s general female population’s complete and utter lack of taste.

Myers – standing at six foot two, with a stocky build, brunette hair and mountain of acne – spent the majority of his extended weekend visiting bars on Main Street, usually Northside, in the hopes of wooing a fellow freshman girl with his “charm, wit and debonairdemeanor.”

Unfortunately, Myers was unsuccessful.

“Oh hey girl, nice dress, I bet it would look even better on my dorm room floor. You know, because we’re going to have sex tonight,” Myers said. “That’s my go-to pickup line, and it didn’t even work. What’s with these chicks?”

Myers’ plan of attack, according to him, “was nothing short of miraculous,” and his pick-up technique: “innovative and fool proof.”

He would wait until a girl separated from her friends, he would “sweep in for the kill” and then he would hit her with a line like, “Oh hey girl, I really like that shirt you’re wearing. The see-through fabric really lets me see your tits.”

The girl he approached promptly left his sight, and left Myers broken hearted and covered in beer.

“One girl told me that if I ever came near her again she would call the police,” Myers said, shaking his head. “Another girl said that she was going to buy a Taser just in case she ever saw me, or another guy like me, again. What the hell? Seriously. What. The. Hell.”

Myers insists that back in high school, girls flocked to him by the dozens and he had to beat them off with a stick. No high school friends could be reached for conformation or denial of his claims.

“In high school, I’d say: ‘Oh hey girl, I might not be the best looking guy, but I’m the only guy talking to you.’ They’d eat that s**t up,” Myers said. “Girls like when you’re mean to them, and they like when you’re straight up. I got my first Old Fashionedbecause of that line.”

At Northside on Saturday night, Myers honed in on one girl in particular. He described her as being not too attractive, but still pretty enough with the right amount of alcohol – which he had his fill of. She was with prettier friends, according to Myers, so he circled the group (as best he could on the dance floor filled with drunk and gyrating teenagers), until he finally slipped behind her and started grinding to Cherr Lloyd’s “Want U Back.”

Then he screamed in her ear, “Oh hey girl, you totally look like this girl I saw in a video last night. I hope you’re as good at bending and banging as her.”

Although Myers said the girl seemed to be happy about the “compliment,” the girl – Kelly Ryan, a freshman undecided major – clarified she did not hear him correctly.

“That’s what he said? I thought he said I looked like Kim Kardashian,” Ryan said. “I’m never drinking tequila again.”

The two continued clumsily swaying back and forth on the sweat-filled and smelly dance floor, until Myers noticed his partner looked thirsty. He pulled her by the hand toward the bar.

“Want to know what that douche bag said to me?” Ryan said. “He said, ‘Oh hey girl, I’ll buy you a drink but I’m gonna need a blowjob later.’ Who in their right mind says that to someone?”

Ryan promptly kicked Myers in the shin and returned to her friends, while Myers was left rolling around on the alcohol-soaked floor. Many didn’t notice him on the floor, and one girl (wearing incredibly sharp high heels, Myers said) apologized when she accidently stepped on his groin on her way to the bar.

Myers, seeing his chance replied: “Oh hey girl, I’d love you to take you out to dinner. Do you like dining hall food?”

When the girl looked at him incredulously, he went on, “No? Damn you have expensive taste. All right, what about Just Pizza?”

Myers went home from the weekend alone, due to what he considered every single girl he’s encountered having “no taste, no sense and no chance with him ever again.


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