Trick or Treat, Bitches

Robert Johnson, a freshman undecided major, was excited to celebrate his first college Halloween. As a lover of all things scary, Johnson was ready for trick or treating in University Heights.

Johnson went as Freddy Kreuger, as he has every year since he was 12 years old. After spending two hours applying the makeup, Johnson jumped onto the Stampede with his pillowcase in hand, hoping he would be able to fit all his candy in it.

Instead of ghosts and ghouls, Johnson was greeted by “prostitute-like felines” who propositioned him for alcohol and “uninspiredgangnam styles” who wanted to “fornicate with slutty bunnies.”

It was terrible, according to Johnson.

“The first house I went to, there were girls in their underwear all over the place,” Johnson said. “One of them was wearing a pink bra with what I think were leopard ears. Leopards are not pink.”

When Johnson walked to the door among dozens of Tom Cruise lookalikes, knock-off Avengers and girls in bikinis, he wasn’t greeted with “Hey! Nice costume,” as he expected. Instead, fellow students asked him why he looked so scary. Johnson didn’t understand the question.

“I don’t get college,” Johnson said. “When I rang the doorbell and said, ‘trick or treat,’ some guy who lives at the house gave me a drink. I just wanted some Snickers.”

After getting a drink thrown at him by an oversized bumblebee, Johnson decided to take the drink and walk to the next house, empty pillowcase in hand. He received drinks at every house on the block.

Johnson was eventually found the next morning, sans costume, in a bush, cuddling with a slutty nurse. His pillowcase was nowhere to be found.

Jose Heyer, a sophomore communication major, chose to spend Halloween dressed as a police officer. Unfortunately for him, no one has actually seen what a UB police officer looks like, so he was forcibly removed from each and every party he tried to attend.

Kathryn Lightfoot, a senior English major, decided to stand out for her final Halloween in Buffalo.

“I decided to be something completely different this year, something no one else would ever think to be – a sexy rabbit,” Lightfoot said.

Unfortunately for Lightfoot, she didn’t think to check in Target, Party City or any store within a 20-mile radius before deciding on the costume, so when she entered a Halloween party on Winspear, she was one of 10 sexy rabbits.

Her night of bad luck did not end there. After leaving the party and seeing a “sexy, rugged, and somewhat dirty man” sitting outside of 7-11, Lightfoot decided to take him home with her.

“His homeless man costume was so original, and he wore it so well,” Lightfoot said. “My roommates were all so jealous of the hot guy I snagged.”

Lightfoot, unaware that the man was actually homeless, awoke the next morning to a house missing a television,computer and all nonperishable food.

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: