Veronica Hardy, a freshman geology major, was shocked and dismayed when her floormate, with whom she was having sexual relations, sent the naked pictures she sent him that he said he wouldn’t show a soul to their entire dorm.
She didn’t understand why Ron Kestler, a freshman undecided major, would betray her trust and the “wonderful and strong relationship of two weeks.”
Kestler didn’t understand why she was upset, as most of the boys came to the general consensus that Hardy was “pretty attractive, definitely a sober five; probably a drunk eight.”
Her neighbors’ approval did not alleviate Hardy’s sadness.
“I just can’t fathom why the guy I totally fell for two weeks ago would take my personal pictures that I sent to him in confidence and send them to other people,” Hardy said. “Like, why would a red-blooded male I’m dating, like, show pictures of my naked boobs to his friends?”
Kestler was unaware they were dating, referring to Hardy as the hot blonde who kept calling him for booty calls on the weekend.
“Chick just sent me pictures of her doing weird stuff! I didn’t even ask her for them,” Kestler commented. “If she’s mad I picture messaged them to people, I don’t want to be around her when she finds out I put it on Reddit’s Gone Wild subreddit.”
The pictures – which featured Hardy holding out a cucumber “like she was preparing to stick it in someone else’s bum,” her performing fellatio on a random dude and her posing like a sloth hanging from a tree in her birthday suit – were supposed to be enticing, according to Kestler.
They did not “rev” Kestler’s engine, he said.
Connie Young, a junior art major, received the pictures from her younger brother, who lives on Kestler’s floor. The pictures were poorly done, Young said. The lighting was off, the angles were poorly chosen and Hardy didn’t understand how to position her body.
So Young decided to share tips to ensure pretty pictures that everyone will enjoy. Hardy stressed she didn’t want everyone to see them, they were only for “her man” whom she took them for, to which Young responded, “Are you just pretending, or are you really this stupid?”
“The best way to take a nude ‘selfie,’ first off, is to always use duck face,” Young said. “Guys love duck face. Seriously, I’ve never ever heard a guy complain about girls who squish their lips together, pucker them and look constipated.”
Step two, according to Young, is to make sure you send the man you’re presently having sex with, pictures of you performing sexual acts on other guys. Because guys really enjoy having visual proof that the girl they’re currently having sex with had sex with other guys beforehand.
“If you really want to make him like you, send him a photo collage of you with multiple different men,” Young said. “That way he knows that you’re super experienced.”
Finally, Young advises you keep these pictures inside your work place – maybe somewhere in the ceiling tiles. That way, future generations of employees will be able to see your good work, Young said.
“What’s better than your legacy being documented and shared for years by new and old co-workers?” Young asked. “Nothing, that’s what.”
PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM