UB has just released breaking news: The school has now, definitely, set into motion the plan to form a group of people to plan the plan of the UB 2020 plan.
This move takes them in an almost completely 180-degree change from their preexisting plan – taking bets on how long they could do nothing before people started to catch on.
So after years of making up random speeches and announcements about the school’s UB 2020 plan, executive board member Maurice Hampton has finally come out with the most definitive plan to date. The board sat down with the new think-tank for the first time and already the plan to plan the plan is coming along great. Much better, Hampton said, than the “absolutely nothing” they were doing beforehand.
Hampton also took the time to announce the “super secret” think-tank consists of his 8-year-old nephew Joe’s second grade class.
“We really couldn’t think of any better ideas,” Hampton said. “And since we’ve been spending all the funds on catering, luncheons and pretty stationary, this class was pretty much all we could afford.”
Still, Hampton thinks they are finally starting to make some real progress.
The first thing the think-tank asked Hampton was what UB 2020 actually was.
Hampton has been asked this question thousands of times and still didn’t have the answer. He told the class of 8-year-olds that answering that question was their job.
“If I had the answers, I wouldn’t have had to hire consultants, would I?” Hampton said.
Although Joe couldn’t be reached for comment, because he was either working on the UB 2020 plan or participating in naptime, Hampton stated the class has come up with “innovative and explosive ideas.”
Hampton said the world is changing – economically, demographically and socially. He then pointed at Buffalo on a map of the United States and illustrated that UB was in Buffalo, which is part of the world, so the school would obviously have to change, too.
When asked just how UB would be changing, Hampton pointed us toward his new consultants, in hopes they would have something new to tell the UB population.
“We have this $5 billion dollars to renovate UB over two decades,” Hampton said. “Thing is, 2020 is only 7 years away, and all we’ve really done so far is plant trees on South Campus. But, I mean, that’s a change, right? So, we weren’tlying.”
The legislation also allows UB to continue increasing tuition over the next four years – $300 for undergraduate tuition, 10 percent for non-resident tuition and 8 percent for graduate and professional programs.
This gives UB approximately $100 million, after five years, to use on more trees and more speeches. When asked if the school has a plan for the money its charging its current students that is supposed to help its future students, Hampton said: “I guess you could say our plan is to create enduring prominence for UB.”
When asked if he could clarify, he said it was best to ask Joe and his 8-year-old consultants, because they knew more than he did.
But once the first draft of the plan is up – although when it will be up is “a big question mark” – Hampton said anyone is allowed to read it. However, he said it might be pointless because most of it is scribbled in crayon with pictures of UB students driving hover cars and ordering robot maids around giving the thumbs up – “because this is set in the future, get it?” Hampton pointed out.
“Oh, no, the consultants didn’t make that draft,” Hampton said proudly. “That was all me. I really think the illustrations make the plan much more credible.”
PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM