Category Archives: Freshmen

Student Didn’t Get Laid This Weekend, Confused As To Why

Jonathon Myers, a freshman communication major, felt a severe blow to his confidence over the course of Labor Day weekend, due to what he believes is UB’s general female population’s complete and utter lack of taste.

Myers – standing at six foot two, with a stocky build, brunette hair and mountain of acne – spent the majority of his extended weekend visiting bars on Main Street, usually Northside, in the hopes of wooing a fellow freshman girl with his “charm, wit and debonairdemeanor.”

Unfortunately, Myers was unsuccessful.

“Oh hey girl, nice dress, I bet it would look even better on my dorm room floor. You know, because we’re going to have sex tonight,” Myers said. “That’s my go-to pickup line, and it didn’t even work. What’s with these chicks?”

Myers’ plan of attack, according to him, “was nothing short of miraculous,” and his pick-up technique: “innovative and fool proof.”

He would wait until a girl separated from her friends, he would “sweep in for the kill” and then he would hit her with a line like, “Oh hey girl, I really like that shirt you’re wearing. The see-through fabric really lets me see your tits.”

The girl he approached promptly left his sight, and left Myers broken hearted and covered in beer.

“One girl told me that if I ever came near her again she would call the police,” Myers said, shaking his head. “Another girl said that she was going to buy a Taser just in case she ever saw me, or another guy like me, again. What the hell? Seriously. What. The. Hell.”

Myers insists that back in high school, girls flocked to him by the dozens and he had to beat them off with a stick. No high school friends could be reached for conformation or denial of his claims.

“In high school, I’d say: ‘Oh hey girl, I might not be the best looking guy, but I’m the only guy talking to you.’ They’d eat that s**t up,” Myers said. “Girls like when you’re mean to them, and they like when you’re straight up. I got my first Old Fashionedbecause of that line.”

At Northside on Saturday night, Myers honed in on one girl in particular. He described her as being not too attractive, but still pretty enough with the right amount of alcohol – which he had his fill of. She was with prettier friends, according to Myers, so he circled the group (as best he could on the dance floor filled with drunk and gyrating teenagers), until he finally slipped behind her and started grinding to Cherr Lloyd’s “Want U Back.”

Then he screamed in her ear, “Oh hey girl, you totally look like this girl I saw in a video last night. I hope you’re as good at bending and banging as her.”

Although Myers said the girl seemed to be happy about the “compliment,” the girl – Kelly Ryan, a freshman undecided major – clarified she did not hear him correctly.

“That’s what he said? I thought he said I looked like Kim Kardashian,” Ryan said. “I’m never drinking tequila again.”

The two continued clumsily swaying back and forth on the sweat-filled and smelly dance floor, until Myers noticed his partner looked thirsty. He pulled her by the hand toward the bar.

“Want to know what that douche bag said to me?” Ryan said. “He said, ‘Oh hey girl, I’ll buy you a drink but I’m gonna need a blowjob later.’ Who in their right mind says that to someone?”

Ryan promptly kicked Myers in the shin and returned to her friends, while Myers was left rolling around on the alcohol-soaked floor. Many didn’t notice him on the floor, and one girl (wearing incredibly sharp high heels, Myers said) apologized when she accidently stepped on his groin on her way to the bar.

Myers, seeing his chance replied: “Oh hey girl, I’d love you to take you out to dinner. Do you like dining hall food?”

When the girl looked at him incredulously, he went on, “No? Damn you have expensive taste. All right, what about Just Pizza?”

Myers went home from the weekend alone, due to what he considered every single girl he’s encountered having “no taste, no sense and no chance with him ever again.

PUBLISHED 9/10 IN THE SPECTRUM.

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Freshmen Tricked Into Thinking UB Is Great

As freshmen walked onto UB’s campus for their orientation, they were greeted with the cold-hearted smiles of Orientation Aids, maliciously pretending to be “happy UB students.” Lured into a false sense of camaraderie, school spirit, and excitement, freshmen flushed with pride as they walked around their future school.

Meanwhile, UB upperclassmen set up camp around campus during the freshmen orientation to point and laugh at the wide-eyed innocent kids.

“These little shits are so naive,” said John Smith, senior business management major.

Smith and his friends walked through the Student Union in the guise of helpful Orientation Aids, as they said – between smirks and giggles – things like, “No, the winter’s not that bad. I barely ever need a jacket,” and “Oh you’ll be getting a refund check? Don’t worry; you’ll definitely get it within the first month.”

Between scratching his balls within his three-year-old UB sweatpants, playing “Who can Belch the Loudest” with his frat buddies, and pointing out which girl he’s going to bang at his Frat house come the Fall, Smith took the time to impart his sage “advice” onto freshmen.

They all seemed pleased with Smith, gazing in wonder at the upperclassman that selectively chose which frosh he wanted to impart his wise advice on. Incoming freshmen Ronald Hill was particularly inspired.

“He told me that all girls at UB love gingers,” Hill said as he smoothed down his tangled and frizzy mop of fire-red hair. “I’m set for next year. John said I can even come to all of his fraternity parties, free of charge!”

When asked about the freshman’s statement, Smith laughed and replied, “Oh that ginger douche? Like I’d let him into my kickass parties.” Smith returned to the Student Union, not before sharing a first-bump with his frat brother, and went back to tricking more unsuspecting kids.

As freshmen found friends amongst each other and sat down to eat the delicious food UB ordered out for them, Smith walked around dispensing more wisdom such as: the friends you’ll make at orientation will be your best friends forever, and, you better get used to all of this delicious food, because that’s what you’ll be eating for the next four years!

Orientation Aids also played a part in the trickery, telling stories of how great UB is and how wonderful the faculty and administration treat all of its students. “No, we’re not just number to here! Teachers and board members are really good listeners,” said one orientation aid when asked how best to deal with being in a large school. She went on to say that administration really takes time to get to know each of UB’s 30,000 students personally and that she even goes out to eat with her advisor to the best food joint on campus: the Goodyear Dining Hall. “Her nickname for me is 64157835!” The Aid exclaimed.

“I’m doing them a service, really.” Smith said after telling one girl that all UB men treat women with love and respect. “They’ll have the next month to think UB is awesome, until they actually start school and all their dreams are crushed.”

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