Admissions Office admits half of student population illiterate

After the general undergraduate population spent the majority of the semester watching students play Temple Run during World Civilizations, seeing the library filled with students watching Jersey Shore and the overall lack of opened books anywhere on campus, the Admissions Office finally set the record straight.

Half the undergraduate student population of UB is, in fact, illiterate.

“It’s not like we were trying to keep it a secret,” said Jeanette Hobart, secretary of the Admissions Office. “I mean, why do you think most students in your classes are on their computers? It’s not because they’re procrastinating, lazy or even hungover. They’re, like, seriously illiterate.”

Hobart assumed all the actual literate and intelligent students knew they shared the university with adults who couldn’t read. According to her, UB doesn’t try to hide the fact they allow almost anyone into any class. It’s part of the school’s “If You Have the Money, We Don’t Care How Stupid, Rude or Downright Douchebag-y You Are, Come To UB” program.

Craig Riggs, a senior business administration major, is one of the students involved in the program. Riggs never took school seriously and his parents didn’t care enough to force him to do “school things,” like reading, writing or thinking.

Many of his classmates consider him a “super scumbag” because he yells over his Psychology 101 professor during class as he details his “super awesome weekend.” He gives in-depth, inaccurate play-by-plays of every Eagles game (he’s a big Vick fan), and he mass emails his class come test time and asks for notes.

His emails read, “hi Me need notes Reed 2 me?”

Surprisingly, no one responded.

Good thing for Riggs, he still received a passing grade on the test. Because half of his classmates also suffer from his condition of not being able to read or write – or even talk in coherent sentences – the grades were heavily curved. He received a C for only writing his name.

Tina Scanlan, a senior psychology major, once worked with Riggs on a group project. She described him as a Forrest Gump simpleton without the charm and comedic timing of Tom Hanks.

“He would never write anything down,” Scanlan remembered. “Now that you mention it, [his illiteracy] totally makes sense. I asked him once to make an introductory slide on psychology and he asked me how to spell ‘intro.’ I mean, then he asked me what intro meant.”

Scanlan informed her professor about Riggs’ lack of work on the group project, to which the professor responded, “Oh yeah, it’s OK. He has a very serious condition. Don’t bring it up, though. It’s a very sensitive subject.”

After learning about what exactly the condition was, Scanlan called both her professor and her former partner“jackasses.” She has since transferred to a “real school.”

Robyn Mallard, a freshman undecided major, came to UB specifically because no one else accepted her. She has been illiterate since she decided learning “hurt her brain” and “got in the way of watching The Real World and looking at the pictures in National Inquirer.” Mallard has been struggling with her first semester of college.

UB had no problem helping her out, according to Hobart, because as part of the program, it doesn’t matter how much effort Mallard puts forth as long as her tuition bill is on time, she gets an A.

While many students who actually do their homework and work hard in their classes are upset at the recent discovery of illiterate classmates, Hobart said they’d be even more surprised at the scholarship money given through the “If You Have the Money, We Don’t Care How Stupid, Rude or Downright Douchebag-y You Are, Come To UB” program.

“It’s important to show the illiterates just because they can’t or won’t do their work, they’re still entitled to go to school with people who actually try,” Hobart said. “That’s UB’s message. We don’t care if you try or not, as long as you come here and give us money, you’re welcome.”

PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN THE SPECTRUM

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