Breaking News: cops useless, chivalry dead

This past weekend, the streets of the University Heights were filled with kids getting drunk, kids acting out scenes from Reefer Madness,kids throwing sucker punches at unsuspecting students and cops patrolling the streets throwing tickets in the air, making it rain.

Basically, it was the same things that happen every weekend.

UB and Buffalo Police showcased their utter lack of skill, concern and common sense as they lurked around Winspear blindly choosing which house party they wanted to break up.

After deciding on the party that would probably lead to the most arrests – and therefore more tickets and a full quota – they attempted to kick the door in (unsuccessfully, as they took a tumble into the house).

In an attempt to maintain their authority, they immediately shoved their flashlights into the party-goers’ eyes and started running around, punching and kicking red Solo cups out of students’ hands.

“I was really inspired by Super Troopers,” said Gary Albanese, a UB police officer. “Farva is just an inspiration, the way he connects with people and how committed and respectable he is. I just try to be him.”

Albanese and his three fellow police officers, instead of watching out for the horde of students leaving the house, spent an hour inspecting the house, finding ways to assert their power and “Chuck Norris skills.”

As Albanese continued searching the house, kids leaving the party took advantage of the cops’ lack of acknowledgement (or concern) about any actual crimes or fights happening right outside.

Josephine Doe, a junior communication major, was particularly thrilled that she could illustrate how tough she was.

Doe and her fellow 13 friends ran after a smaller group of girls, harassing and yelling at their backs, as the small group tried to ignore them. Ironically, while calling their adversaries sluts, whores and other terms for loose women, Doe and friends were out that night celebrating their recently acquired penis flyer miles.

“What better way to showcase how big and tough we are then to get a group of 14 girls together and harass six girls on their way home?” Doe asked.

Doe and the other 13 girls proceeded to show how awesome and badass they are by attacking the straggler of their enemy’s group with a courageous sucker punch to the back of her head. But the girl deserved it, according to Doe, with all of the provocation she was throwing the group’s way by sprinting away as fast as she could.

Police were on the scene of the incident completely by accident. While looking to fulfill their ticket quota by breaking up parties and handing out parking tickets – with dreams of their pensions filling their minds – they saw the “fight” occur.

In order to protect their freshly dry-cleaned uniforms and stay out of the scuffle, the cops parked their car at the end of the street to see how things would play out.

“It’s our job to protect the students living in the heights and after much speculation, we’ve decided the best way to do that is to break up frat parties,” Albanese said.

Meanwhile, in his peripheral vision, Albanese refused to acknowledge two kids getting jumped by a group of 15 – the victim ended up in the hospital, while the attackers went off to brag about how they won a fight one against five.

“I value UB police so much,” said Terry Landin, sophomore exercise science major. “Last year I was viciously attacked by a rampaging man who smoked like one-tenth of a gram of marijuana. As he was munching down on his 7-11 hot dog, he just was filled with so much energy that he beat me to a bloody pulp. Thank goodness the cops are focusing on busting weed dealers. Finally I can feel safe in the Heights once again.”

Now students must face the fact: chivalry is dead. Fair fights ended when challenging someone to fisticuffs went out of style.

Chivalry has been jumped, sucker punched, gutted and stomped on until, finally, it died on the streets of the University Heights.

Both UB and Buffalo Police assisted in its death, claiming the “son of a b*tch deserved it,” as it tried to tell them how to do their job protecting and serving the community.



“I’ve been waiting all summer to see these amazing football players,” said no one ever

UB’s football team lost its third game of the season Wednesday night to Kent State, 23-7. Surrounded by unresponsive fans who cared much more about tailgating before and winning free stuff during, the game was as nail-biting as watching The 700 Club on repeat.

Football players resorted to bribery in order to fill the stands during their games. For hours they stood within the Union, handing out ice cream sandwiches as they begged students to watch them half-heartedly let Kent State trample over them.

They were quite successful, filling the stands with students and families covered head to toe in blue – some even taking the opportunity to paint their stomachs.

“Yeah, I’m staying until the end of the first quarter so I can say that I at least stayed half the game,” said Vivian Colin, a sophomore health and human services major.

During the first half, as the Bulls struggled to reach the 50-yard line, spectators were forced to find their entertainment anywhere but the actual game.

Many focused their attention on the bottles of vodka they snuck into the stadium or decided playing Words With Friends was more engaging.

One student spotted something sparkly in the student section and spent the remaining 2 hours and 45 minutes of the game staring at it.

Students were lured into a false sense of success after the game against Morgan State, in which the Bulls scored 56 points. Too bad for the uninformed masses; the win was equivalent to the horde of 20 kids beating and hospitalizing their two unsuspecting victims last weekend on Winspear.

Becky McMillion, a freshman undecided major, attended the football game with a group of her floor mates. With no background knowledge of the sport other than cheering for the “super sexy” Tom Brady because of her love for GiseleBundchen, her hope was to impress men with being sport savvy.

“I had no idea how much I would actually enjoy football, but I’m really getting into it,” McMillion said. “I’m such a huge Bills fan now!”

McMillion promptly started jumping up and down, cheering for the team running the ball into the end zone. Unbeknownst to the “hardcore fan,” it was Kent State scoring.

UB Stadium was silent other than the occasional conversation in the stands about how excited people were to go to bed, what they were going to eat for breakfast and any other possible topic unrelated to the game. At various times during the game, however, loud cheers and screams erupted from the audience.

Unfortunately for the players, the screaming did not correlate with their actual good plays (which happened twice throughout the entire game) but when spectators had the opportunity to catch free T-shirts flying through the air.

The T-shirt throws were more accurate than junior quarterback Alex Zordich. Later, the student responsible for throwing out free T-shirts was approached by head coach Jeff Quinn and asked to play quarterback against UConn.

He declined, stating he only likes winning.

It was decided that the most valuable player of the game was not an actual football player at all, but the student who caught footballs during half time in order to win free pizza.

In hindsight, students regretted their decision to attend the game. No matter how much alcohol they were able to chug quickly before they entered the stadium, the only thing more painful than sitting through the whole game would have been getting tackled by the Kent State players themselves.


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Oh look, a new bus, AND it’s Gone.

The Stampede has been revamped this year – the buses look nice, they’re shiny, they’re pretty and apparently they’re air-conditioned. Unfortunately, only a few students have seen – let alone sat in – the new buses, leading many to believe they simply don’t exist.

Other students who have had the privilege of earning a seat on the exceptional buses give them credit for the unique ways in which the transportation system has improved their lives.

For Ryan Winters, a sophomore English major, the new busing system has given him the chance to explore more of Buffalo.

“After waiting an hour for a bus, I said to myself, ‘Hey, I might as well just walk to campus,’” Winters said. “Unfortunately, I got lost and ended up somewhere on Bailey. I only got my backpack and wallet stolen! I was lucky. When I finally walked back to the bus stop, wouldn’t you know it, but the same people I saw earlier were still waiting!”

Winters waited another 15 minutes until finally, a bus appeared on the horizon. Too bad for him, he couldn’t fit with everyone else and was promptly kicked off the bus.

Other students have decided to camp out at the bus stops, never wanting to miss the rare opportunity to actually make it to their classes on time. Tents, sleeping bags and makeshift grills have been spotted on both South and North Campuses, where students have set up shop.

“This busing system has really helped me work on my Boy Scout skills,” said Bryan Hodge, a senior anthropology major. “I get to set up tents, work on my grilling skills – I can finally make one hell of a hotdog. And keep this on the down low, but I also heard that sometime in the near future we’re going to build a campfire! Know what that means?S’mores!”

Although faced with a small section of scrutiny from students, administrators had this to say: “What do you mean buses haven’t been received well by the students? They’re air conditioned!” Then added, “People are saying they’re running slowly? Impossible! We’ve added four more to the fleet!”

One of the new features of the transportation system is the UB smartphone application, which tracks where buses are on campus. Lucky for students that have a smartphone (because obviously everyone at the state school of UB is privileged with the financial stability to own an iPhone or an Android), they are now able to locate exactly where the bus that will – probably – pick them up is.

For Sheila Lubelli, sophomore geography major, the application is not as helpful to her as it is for other students.

“I’m looking at this iPhone application and it says that there are not only two out-of-service buses here,” Lubelli said, pointing to a parking lot void of Stampedes. “It also says there’s a bus right in front of me! I mean, I’m happy that UBhas mastered Wonder Woman’s invisible-plane technology, I really am. I just wish I wielded the necessary superpowers to utilize it.”

Stampede drivers, like Mike Williams, claim they’re, “just helping the UB students out.” When a group of kids starts running (or walking fast) to catch Williams’ bus, he promptly hightails it out of there as quickly as he can.

“I’m helping these kids,” Williams said. “I’ve read all about how Americans are fat and ugly, so I make ‘em run to catch the bus. If they don’t make it in time, oh well. Guess they’ll have to eat less McDonalds and more lettuce!”

A select group of drivers, Williams included, bored with the monotony of simply doing their job and driving the buses, have started a game. They call it, “how many college kids can we squeeze into these small, uncomfortable and poorly designed buses.”

“But problem with it is that we need to wait until a lot of students are around if we want to have a chance at winning,” Williams said. “Half the time, I’m just waiting around the corner with binoculars until there are enough kids to stuff in this hunk o’ junk. Sometimes I have to wait 20 or 30 minutes.”

Williams must also battle the other drivers to get to the horde of students first. Thankfully for him, he’s quite good at the game and usually has two or three buses trailing behind him.


Student Didn’t Get Laid This Weekend, Confused As To Why

Jonathon Myers, a freshman communication major, felt a severe blow to his confidence over the course of Labor Day weekend, due to what he believes is UB’s general female population’s complete and utter lack of taste.

Myers – standing at six foot two, with a stocky build, brunette hair and mountain of acne – spent the majority of his extended weekend visiting bars on Main Street, usually Northside, in the hopes of wooing a fellow freshman girl with his “charm, wit and debonairdemeanor.”

Unfortunately, Myers was unsuccessful.

“Oh hey girl, nice dress, I bet it would look even better on my dorm room floor. You know, because we’re going to have sex tonight,” Myers said. “That’s my go-to pickup line, and it didn’t even work. What’s with these chicks?”

Myers’ plan of attack, according to him, “was nothing short of miraculous,” and his pick-up technique: “innovative and fool proof.”

He would wait until a girl separated from her friends, he would “sweep in for the kill” and then he would hit her with a line like, “Oh hey girl, I really like that shirt you’re wearing. The see-through fabric really lets me see your tits.”

The girl he approached promptly left his sight, and left Myers broken hearted and covered in beer.

“One girl told me that if I ever came near her again she would call the police,” Myers said, shaking his head. “Another girl said that she was going to buy a Taser just in case she ever saw me, or another guy like me, again. What the hell? Seriously. What. The. Hell.”

Myers insists that back in high school, girls flocked to him by the dozens and he had to beat them off with a stick. No high school friends could be reached for conformation or denial of his claims.

“In high school, I’d say: ‘Oh hey girl, I might not be the best looking guy, but I’m the only guy talking to you.’ They’d eat that s**t up,” Myers said. “Girls like when you’re mean to them, and they like when you’re straight up. I got my first Old Fashionedbecause of that line.”

At Northside on Saturday night, Myers honed in on one girl in particular. He described her as being not too attractive, but still pretty enough with the right amount of alcohol – which he had his fill of. She was with prettier friends, according to Myers, so he circled the group (as best he could on the dance floor filled with drunk and gyrating teenagers), until he finally slipped behind her and started grinding to Cherr Lloyd’s “Want U Back.”

Then he screamed in her ear, “Oh hey girl, you totally look like this girl I saw in a video last night. I hope you’re as good at bending and banging as her.”

Although Myers said the girl seemed to be happy about the “compliment,” the girl – Kelly Ryan, a freshman undecided major – clarified she did not hear him correctly.

“That’s what he said? I thought he said I looked like Kim Kardashian,” Ryan said. “I’m never drinking tequila again.”

The two continued clumsily swaying back and forth on the sweat-filled and smelly dance floor, until Myers noticed his partner looked thirsty. He pulled her by the hand toward the bar.

“Want to know what that douche bag said to me?” Ryan said. “He said, ‘Oh hey girl, I’ll buy you a drink but I’m gonna need a blowjob later.’ Who in their right mind says that to someone?”

Ryan promptly kicked Myers in the shin and returned to her friends, while Myers was left rolling around on the alcohol-soaked floor. Many didn’t notice him on the floor, and one girl (wearing incredibly sharp high heels, Myers said) apologized when she accidently stepped on his groin on her way to the bar.

Myers, seeing his chance replied: “Oh hey girl, I’d love you to take you out to dinner. Do you like dining hall food?”

When the girl looked at him incredulously, he went on, “No? Damn you have expensive taste. All right, what about Just Pizza?”

Myers went home from the weekend alone, due to what he considered every single girl he’s encountered having “no taste, no sense and no chance with him ever again.


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Texting While Intoxicated Discovered To Be Cause Of Crippling Embarrassment For Student

A plague has been sweeping college campuses for many years now, causing tragedy to strike unsuspecting students. Sometimes it happens instantly, sometimes gradually. No matter how it starts, the end result is always the same: incapacitating embarrassment.

Jenni Mars, senior nursing major, has suffered from the affliction for years. Recently it has begun to negatively impact her life to the point where she often admits she wants to bury her head in the sand or get tied to four horses and “make ‘em start running, like in the olden times.”

“I don’t know what triggers it (other than the alcohol, of course). It used to be just a small problem – an illegible message to my roommate here, a poorly worded and poorly thought-out text to a boy there. If only that was still the case,” Mars said with fingers hovering over her phone’s QWERTY keyboard. “Now, I wake up with an inbox of drunk texts I have no recollection of sending. I just want it to stop.”

Mars suffers from a serious case of drunk texting. She can no longer control it, and there doesn’t seem to be any cure.

Between sobs and sips from her Rolling Rock, Mars shared some the messages she’s sent under the influence. To her co-worker she wrote: “I’m in lovee with a bartender at a gay bar. But he’s not gay so its okay.”

Later, she followed up on the encounter to the same co-worker with: “My life is ruined. He has a girlfriend. WAH!!!!!!!!!”

Twenty minutes and one whiskey sour later, Mars worried over his lack of response and proceeded to write: “It not fair. Aliyh tha bois I like havge girlfirends al;hready. Life sucks =( =( =(!.”

“Yeah, I like to keep her texts and then show them to her the next morning. I think it’s a great way for her to learn – and embarrassing her is always guaranteed to be hilarious,” her co-worker commented.

Doctors are perplexed and growing nervous about the situation.

“I told her that she could simply stop drinking. I mean, that would be one way to stop the problem. But Jenni just won’t listen,” Doctor Keller, Mars’s pediatrician sighed. “I don’t see how this could end any other way but poorly. I told her she’s probably going to end up sending something that results in the loss of a job, of a friendship, or – at the very least – a casual acquaintance. There’s really nothing more a doctor can do.”

Mars has tried everything (except not drinking) to stop belligerently texting people – she’s left her phone at home, turned it off but kept it on her “in case of emergencies.” She even went so far as to give it to a friend to keep an eye on. No matter what scenario, Mars found that within 15 minutes her palms would be sweaty, her hands would shake, and visions of her phone would dance through her mind.

“I would definitely say it’s causing a rift in our relationship,” said Stephanie Bronson. “One time, she asked me to hold on to her phone so that she didn’t send any texts. I agreed, not knowing the extent of her problem. That night, I ended up with a black eye and a chunk of my hair missing.”

When the clocked struck 2 a.m., Mars’s fingers “started itching” from not touching her phone in two hours. “She looked like someone took her kitten or something. I told her that she couldn’t have her phone, then she told me she needed to talk to her mom about something really important. But earlier in the night, she told me that she’s probably going to make up a lie, so I knew not to trust her. In hindsight, I should have just given her the damn phone,” Bronson said as she stroked her bald spot.

After an intense scuffle between the two friends, which included hair-pulling, face scratching, an accidental elbow to the face, and some deliberate name calling, Mars retrieved the cell phone and continued her socially – and mentally – dangerous habit.

“She called me a cum-guzzling, Santorum-loving twat sniffer. I didn’t appreciate that,” Bronson stated, shaking her head.

The entire fight ensued so that Mars could send out this message to a friend of hers: “oamdg thakt kid thadft you hoked up with lasdf t weekdnfe is totalky adkt the bar talking to that slut your almosttd foiught@!!”

Although the two girls are still friends, Bronson is at a loss on how she can help her friend with the debilitating, life-crushing, (and completely preventable) problem.

“Stop drinking?” Mars laughed. “That’s just silly.”

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Students Go To Desperate And Extreme Lengths To Keep Busy During Summer Sessions

While most students have returned to their respective homes this summer spending time at the beach, on vacation, or chowing down on hot pockets in their basement, others have stayed in Buffalo – some by choice, others by force.

As a result of living in Buffalo during the summer, these kids have resorted to drastic measures to keep themselves occupied: faking vacations, drinking responsibly, and – worst of all – actually participating in class.

Rhonda Farr, junior communications major, took two courses during the second summer session at UB, spending the majority of her time Photoshopping pictures to make it appear as though she wasn’t.

“My family went to Aruba this year and I couldn’t go because I have to retake Chem 101. I decided that I’d just Photoshop myself into the pictures, like this one – here’s me and my dad snorkeling,” Farr said pointing to a picture of two men snorkeling, one with her face pasted on it (sans scuba equipment).

Unfortunately for Farr, she has been receiving less than exemplary marks in her general education class and might have to retake it again, as she was too busy making it look like she was actually enjoying her summer. But according to Farr, it was worth having to spend next summer stuck at UB, because not only did she trick all of her Facebook friends into thinking she was on a glamorous international vacation this year, she also “found her calling as a graphic designer.”

Other students, jealous and tired of looking at their friends’ vacation pictures, ventured out into the city, desperate for a good time. Many came to the realization that school just isn’t fun unless there are thousands of students on Main Street tripping, vomiting, and yelling empty threats at each other.

The nightlife truly suffers. Walking onto an empty bus that has the smell of cleaning supplies cannot compare to stumbling onto the drunk bus with 50 other belligerent students, said George Wells, senior business major.

“I take the bus, and there isn’t a single person throwing up out the window. No one even dry heaves! And there’s so much room. Campus is just a cold, dark place without drunk freshmen and obligatory dumbasses to brighten it up,” Wells said.

Wells, who stated that The Steer used to be his favorite place to “get crunk with his buddies,” has begun to prefer drinking only a couple of beers alone, in the dark, in his underpants. According to Wells, “Once the smells of vomit and piss begin to dissipate, the bar just starts to lose its charm.”

Instead of being packed like sardines, pushing and prodding against random co-eds, Wells can now go to the bar and have quiet, intellectual conversations with the other patrons. He refuses to sink so low however, and opts to drink at home. The number of nights he’s completely blacked out has dropped significantly since the summer began, Wells embarrassedly admitted.

Another increasingly drastic measure has been taken to relieve the boredom on campus: actually studying.

“All there is to do is study,” Wells said. “I’m getting A’s in all of my classes. It’s so embarrassing. I tell my friends back home that I’m managing C’s because I party every night. If they knew the truth, they would never let me forget it.”

Club Capen, the once popular hangout at which students were free to blabber on about inane topics rebelliously in front of no talking signs has reverted back to a place where actual studying takes place.

Professors have even noticed the phenomena – some with pity, others with mirth. One professor, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say: “my students are total L-O-S-E-R-S. They’re all ace-ing their tests and handing in well-researched, thought out papers. Meanwhile, I barely have time to look at them because I have an actual life this summer.”

Native Buffalonians don’t understand what their fellow students are complaining about. “I’ve lived in Buffalo my entire life,” said Martha Spencer, junior engineering major. “I hang out with my friends every single day; we always have something to do. I never resort to actually doing my homework.”

“I can’t wait until school starts again,” said Wells. “Then I can get back on my regular schedule of blacking out and being awesome.”

Students Enraged They Cannot Be Mad About FallFest Lineup

There’s only one thing that has the power to lift the crippling waves of apathy covering UB’s campus: students banning together to bitch about how dumb everyone in charge is. It’s one thing that keeps the enrollment numbers so high, and sadly, it’s something that students were cheated out of this fall.

As everyone started gearing up for school and the collective complaining that was sure to occur once they stepped foot on campus, students were upset to find that good news awaited them. Now at a loss on where to direct their grumbling, UB is desperate to find something to resent right away.

This epidemic of resigned approval began last week, when the Student Association announced the Fall Fest lineup. J Cole and Childish Gambino will headline and the concert will take place on September 1, during the first weekend of classes. This came as bad news to most of the UB population, who were preparing to yell, scream, and riot over what a bad job the SA is doing.

“I’m so pissed that the SA actually booked good performers this year,” said Tyler Reynolds, junior history major. “I already had the best UB meme made and ready to post for when they fucked up again. Now what am I going to do? Make a meme about how my financial aid was cut? Talk about boring.”

Unfortunately for Reynolds, he was begrudgingly excited about the quality performers booked by the SA and now doesn’t know where to direct all of his animosity. And he is not alone. Many students have become miserable now that they cannot complain about a bad lineup – the main reason students were giddy to return.

Although not too concerned when news broke last year that the SA treasurer attempted to scam the entire school and its students out of around three hundred thousand dollars, students are incredibly invested in and concerned about the three-hour concert that occurs twice a year. More than looking forward to the concert itself, UB waits on the edge of their seats with fingers twitching to write scathing reviews and “witty” remarks about how the SA let the student body down yet again.

“Last year they gave us prime ammunition,” said Brian Phillips, senior chemistry major. “I put as my Facebook status: ‘The Fray? I think you mean THE GAY.’ It got a lot of laughs.”

Although Phillips didn’t take the two minutes out of his day to vote for the officials come election time, he said that it was more because he enjoys complaining about the people in charge more than he’d like commending them on their competence. So when he found out that he would be cheated out of his usual scathing tirades, he was unhappy that he couldn’t be unhappy.

“Listen, I don’t know who this Sikander person is that you keep talking about,” said Erin Woodhouse, sophomore engineering major. “All I know is that Fall Fest actually looks like it’s going to be a good concert and you know what that means? I have to go back to complaining about how dining hall food sucks and frankly, the material gets stale after a while – just like Pistachios garlic bread!”

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Student Crushed When Night of Passion With Stranger Does Not Result in Long-Term Relationship

Jennifer Taylor, sophomore communications major, was shocked, crushed, and downright befuddled when the man she had just met at a bar, and then proceeded to go home with, made it clear that he just wasn’t that into her.

“I thought we really had something special,” Taylor explained through tear soaked eyes as the stream of makeup oozed down her face. “Like, he told me I was the hottest, smartest, coolest, girl he’d ever met. What changed? What changed?”

The two met at The Steer, a popular bar for UB students. It was luck and Taylor’s extremely tiny bladder that brought the pair together when Ryan Burns, senior communications major, offered Taylor a hand after she fell onto the vomit and pee soaked floor.

“He was like, my knight in shining armor, but in jeans and a blowout. He was my knight in jeans and a blowout,” Taylor looked back fondly. “He grabbed my ass – and my boobs too I think – during my fall but it was totally an accident.”

Burns and Taylor then pushed past the throngs of stumbling and gyrating students on the “dance floor” and made their way to the bar. Taylor was amazed at all of the things the two had in common.

When she said that she loved the Twilight movies, Burns responded that J.K Rowling was his favorite author. When she said that she loved watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he told her that he had it Tivoed. “We were perfect together, just perfect,” Taylor wailed.

As the night drew to a close, Burns invited Taylor to his house in the Heights and because of their “deep connection” she agreed. After a night of passionate love-making, Taylor prepared to spend the night but Burns informed her that he was prone to night terrors, so she wouldn’t be able to stay.

“He was always so thoughtful. He said he didn’t want to lash out and hit me in his sleep,” Taylor remembered.

Taylor gave Burns her number and then walked alone – shoeless and panty-less (as she assumed she would get them the next time) – to the bus stop. “It was worth waiting in the frigid cold surrounded by girls throwing up in bushes and guys trying to see down my shirt,” Taylor said. “It was just such a magical evening.”

Or so she thought. After not receiving a phone call, a text message, or even a Facebook friend request, Taylor chalked the suspicious behavior up to Burns being busy. It wasn’t until the next weekend, when she saw him making out with a “cheap, ugly, fat bitch” that Taylor realized her love was not reciprocated. Stunned and too wounded for words, she walked up to the first guy she saw and proceeded to stick her tongue down his throat.

“He promised we’d watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians together!” Taylor yelled.

When questioned about the ordeal, Burns commented: “you mean the chick with the nice ass? I thought her name was Mariah.”

Freshmen Tricked Into Thinking UB Is Great

As freshmen walked onto UB’s campus for their orientation, they were greeted with the cold-hearted smiles of Orientation Aids, maliciously pretending to be “happy UB students.” Lured into a false sense of camaraderie, school spirit, and excitement, freshmen flushed with pride as they walked around their future school.

Meanwhile, UB upperclassmen set up camp around campus during the freshmen orientation to point and laugh at the wide-eyed innocent kids.

“These little shits are so naive,” said John Smith, senior business management major.

Smith and his friends walked through the Student Union in the guise of helpful Orientation Aids, as they said – between smirks and giggles – things like, “No, the winter’s not that bad. I barely ever need a jacket,” and “Oh you’ll be getting a refund check? Don’t worry; you’ll definitely get it within the first month.”

Between scratching his balls within his three-year-old UB sweatpants, playing “Who can Belch the Loudest” with his frat buddies, and pointing out which girl he’s going to bang at his Frat house come the Fall, Smith took the time to impart his sage “advice” onto freshmen.

They all seemed pleased with Smith, gazing in wonder at the upperclassman that selectively chose which frosh he wanted to impart his wise advice on. Incoming freshmen Ronald Hill was particularly inspired.

“He told me that all girls at UB love gingers,” Hill said as he smoothed down his tangled and frizzy mop of fire-red hair. “I’m set for next year. John said I can even come to all of his fraternity parties, free of charge!”

When asked about the freshman’s statement, Smith laughed and replied, “Oh that ginger douche? Like I’d let him into my kickass parties.” Smith returned to the Student Union, not before sharing a first-bump with his frat brother, and went back to tricking more unsuspecting kids.

As freshmen found friends amongst each other and sat down to eat the delicious food UB ordered out for them, Smith walked around dispensing more wisdom such as: the friends you’ll make at orientation will be your best friends forever, and, you better get used to all of this delicious food, because that’s what you’ll be eating for the next four years!

Orientation Aids also played a part in the trickery, telling stories of how great UB is and how wonderful the faculty and administration treat all of its students. “No, we’re not just number to here! Teachers and board members are really good listeners,” said one orientation aid when asked how best to deal with being in a large school. She went on to say that administration really takes time to get to know each of UB’s 30,000 students personally and that she even goes out to eat with her advisor to the best food joint on campus: the Goodyear Dining Hall. “Her nickname for me is 64157835!” The Aid exclaimed.

“I’m doing them a service, really.” Smith said after telling one girl that all UB men treat women with love and respect. “They’ll have the next month to think UB is awesome, until they actually start school and all their dreams are crushed.”

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