Monthly Archives: October 2012

Trick or Treat, Bitches

Robert Johnson, a freshman undecided major, was excited to celebrate his first college Halloween. As a lover of all things scary, Johnson was ready for trick or treating in University Heights.

Johnson went as Freddy Kreuger, as he has every year since he was 12 years old. After spending two hours applying the makeup, Johnson jumped onto the Stampede with his pillowcase in hand, hoping he would be able to fit all his candy in it.

Instead of ghosts and ghouls, Johnson was greeted by “prostitute-like felines” who propositioned him for alcohol and “uninspiredgangnam styles” who wanted to “fornicate with slutty bunnies.”

It was terrible, according to Johnson.

“The first house I went to, there were girls in their underwear all over the place,” Johnson said. “One of them was wearing a pink bra with what I think were leopard ears. Leopards are not pink.”

When Johnson walked to the door among dozens of Tom Cruise lookalikes, knock-off Avengers and girls in bikinis, he wasn’t greeted with “Hey! Nice costume,” as he expected. Instead, fellow students asked him why he looked so scary. Johnson didn’t understand the question.

“I don’t get college,” Johnson said. “When I rang the doorbell and said, ‘trick or treat,’ some guy who lives at the house gave me a drink. I just wanted some Snickers.”

After getting a drink thrown at him by an oversized bumblebee, Johnson decided to take the drink and walk to the next house, empty pillowcase in hand. He received drinks at every house on the block.

Johnson was eventually found the next morning, sans costume, in a bush, cuddling with a slutty nurse. His pillowcase was nowhere to be found.

Jose Heyer, a sophomore communication major, chose to spend Halloween dressed as a police officer. Unfortunately for him, no one has actually seen what a UB police officer looks like, so he was forcibly removed from each and every party he tried to attend.

Kathryn Lightfoot, a senior English major, decided to stand out for her final Halloween in Buffalo.

“I decided to be something completely different this year, something no one else would ever think to be – a sexy rabbit,” Lightfoot said.

Unfortunately for Lightfoot, she didn’t think to check in Target, Party City or any store within a 20-mile radius before deciding on the costume, so when she entered a Halloween party on Winspear, she was one of 10 sexy rabbits.

Her night of bad luck did not end there. After leaving the party and seeing a “sexy, rugged, and somewhat dirty man” sitting outside of 7-11, Lightfoot decided to take him home with her.

“His homeless man costume was so original, and he wore it so well,” Lightfoot said. “My roommates were all so jealous of the hot guy I snagged.”

Lightfoot, unaware that the man was actually homeless, awoke the next morning to a house missing a television,computer and all nonperishable food.



Many students who are away from home for the first time must adjust to living with a stranger in such close proximity. Some are fortunate enough to become very close to their new roomies and form a strong bond right away.

Unfortunately for some UB students, their roommates are more comparable to Snooki than Rachel from Friends and have to deal with smelly, rude or downright repulsive living partners.

“I think my roommate, Jessie, might be a nudist,” said Crystal Vestal, freshman undecided major. “She never has clothes on – except when she goes to class – and every time a boy comes over, he’s nude, too. I mean, it’s her life choice. Who am I to tell her to put a bra on?”

Vestal often hears weird noises coming from the other side of the room, like the grunting and groaning of a suckling pig or the shrill shriek of a banshee. Many times, she doesn’t want to interrupt her roommate’s daily prayers – she hears the continual repetition of phrases like, “get on your knees,” “Beg for forgiveness” or “Oh, God!”

Resident Adviser Carl Harville, a senior English major, has seen his fair share of eclectic pairs come through his floor.

One girl, according to Harville, would sit in her dorm room – in the now-deserted Schoellkopf Hall – and listen to her roommate’s telephone conversations. She sat behind her desk with headphones in, with no music or sound was streaming through them, and wrote down everything her roommate said.

“Her life was so depressingly boring and sad that she was forced to steal topics of conversations,” Harville said. “Once her roommate found out, that’s when it got awkward. Even more awkward when I had to write up the creeper’s roommate for having sexual relations on her bed.”

Another freshman resident, according to Harville, would walk around the floor with a loaf of wheat – never white – bread in his hand, as he stroked each and every door in the girls’ wing of Schoellkopf Hall.

There was also a boy who was too lazy to walk to the bathroom, so he decided to pee in an empty Gatorade bottle on his roommate’s side of the room, according to Harville.

“He missed,” Harville said. “It went everywhere. We aren’t friends anymore.”

Not all roommates are so combative, however. Some are incredibly close – sometimes too close.

“I have separation anxiety,” said Timothy Carmack, a sophomore communication major. “I used to sleep in bed with my parents when I was scared or just lonely. Good thing I have a roommate now, so I can just crawl and cuddle up next to him. We’re really close like that.”

His roommate, Mithun Alam, a sophomore biological science major and international student from India, believesCarmack’s behavior is simply a part of American culture. Alam’s goal is to fit into his new environment and said he just “goes with the flow.”

Carmack’s previous roommate was not as easygoing.

Eric Gerber, a senior mathematics major, was a heavy sleeper while dorming with Carmack. He didn’t realize Carmack would crawl into his bed in the middle of the night until a floor mate asked him if he and Carmack were “together.”

Gerber immediately transferred to a school in Florida and cannot be reached for comment at this time.


Roomies Fo Life

Buffalo: The Best and Brightest of All the Cities

Watch out, New York City, with your delicious pizza, bright lights and endless opportunities. Step back, London, with your rich history. Who cares what’s happening in Los Angeles on Hollywood Boulevard and the Sunset Strip?

It’s all about Buffalo, baby.

As recently decided by every single news outlet in the country, Buffalo has been named the most awesome, upscale and sophisticated city in the entire universe.

“It wasn’t a hard decision,” said Kayla Lakin, a member of the committee board who voted in favor of the Queen City. “All you have to do is walk around Buffalo – look at the booming nightlife, the vibrant and open-minded people, the delicious food and, of course, the success of its sports teams. It was a no-brainer.”

The city owns an overwhelming smell of vomit that coats the city alongside a cloud of apathy, depression and misplaced angst. It also boasts decrepit, decaying buildings and infrastructure. From University Heights to downtown Buffalo, it’s clear the city is top notch.

Like the setting of a classic noir film – with rundown apartment complexes, nefarious men and women walking the unlit streets and a total lack of police authority –  Buffalo looks downright spiffy.

“I can totally understand why Buffalo was voted the best city ever,” said Joshua Brill, a sophomore mechanical engineering major. “After my car got broken into, that’s when I knew how smart I was for moving here. The robbers might have broken my window and pulled out my radio, but they didn’t steal my car. Now that’s courtesy.”

In University Heights, students are privileged to see Buffalo live up to its epithet: the City of Good Neighbors. Many of the people who have seen the kindness firsthand have not lived to tell the tale or are still in the hospital.

Tina Murillo, a senior accounting major, loves stopping to talk to her neighbors – an off-campus fraternity. Armed with a pocketknife and pepper spray, Murillo considers it bonding time when she has to yell at the drunken freshmen peeing on the side of her house.

“I really enjoy the noise and the constant stream of people knocking on my door, expecting a frat party. It’s kind of like I’m really popular,” Murillo said. “And when I’m feeling down about myself, I just look out of my balcony and see the creepy dude next door masturbating while he looks at me. It really boosts my self-esteem.”

After moving downtown, Edward Heinz, a first year biochemistry graduate student, got to know members of the community rather well. As he walked to his car (in a lot one block from the Roswell Cancer Institute), Heinz had a run in with a group of local teens.

“Two 13-year-olds robbed me with a gun,” Heinz recalled. “They were unaware that college students have no money, so I told them to take my books. They didn’t know they were worth over $500. Finally, they took my $200 laptop.”

Wanting to be a good neighbor, Heinz called out to them as they were running away – the two boys forgot the charger.

“I had to give it to them,” Heinz said. “How would they know how to charge my laptop without it?”

Another reason for the city’s success is Buffalo’s culinary expertise, according to Glenn Bank, another member of the committee.

“Buffalo wings are just a masterpiece,” Bank said. “A real culinary treat.”

Nightlife is one of Alison Auten’s favorite parts of Buffalo. Auten is a freshman undecided major. After coming from New York City, she finally understood the definition of fun when she set foot in Northside Bar on Main Street.

The dance floor, or “the hallway” as the regulars like to refer to it, is by far the coolest part. Not only does the DJ pump new jams like “Call Me Maybe,” but the bar’s so popular that there’s no room to walk without rubbing against someone, Auten said.

“I can’t even move without someone accidently grabbing my ass or falling into me and using my boobs as support,” Auten said. “That’s how you know a bar is off the hook!”

Whether it’s the rich history – a U.S. president got murdered here – or the underrated sports teams (what a great season the Bills are having), Buffalo oozes success.

The All-America city is truly deserving of its new title: the most super duper city in the entire universe.


Tagged , , , ,