Monthly Archives: August 2012

Texting While Intoxicated Discovered To Be Cause Of Crippling Embarrassment For Student

A plague has been sweeping college campuses for many years now, causing tragedy to strike unsuspecting students. Sometimes it happens instantly, sometimes gradually. No matter how it starts, the end result is always the same: incapacitating embarrassment.

Jenni Mars, senior nursing major, has suffered from the affliction for years. Recently it has begun to negatively impact her life to the point where she often admits she wants to bury her head in the sand or get tied to four horses and “make ‘em start running, like in the olden times.”

“I don’t know what triggers it (other than the alcohol, of course). It used to be just a small problem – an illegible message to my roommate here, a poorly worded and poorly thought-out text to a boy there. If only that was still the case,” Mars said with fingers hovering over her phone’s QWERTY keyboard. “Now, I wake up with an inbox of drunk texts I have no recollection of sending. I just want it to stop.”

Mars suffers from a serious case of drunk texting. She can no longer control it, and there doesn’t seem to be any cure.

Between sobs and sips from her Rolling Rock, Mars shared some the messages she’s sent under the influence. To her co-worker she wrote: “I’m in lovee with a bartender at a gay bar. But he’s not gay so its okay.”

Later, she followed up on the encounter to the same co-worker with: “My life is ruined. He has a girlfriend. WAH!!!!!!!!!”

Twenty minutes and one whiskey sour later, Mars worried over his lack of response and proceeded to write: “It not fair. Aliyh tha bois I like havge girlfirends al;hready. Life sucks =( =( =(!.”

“Yeah, I like to keep her texts and then show them to her the next morning. I think it’s a great way for her to learn – and embarrassing her is always guaranteed to be hilarious,” her co-worker commented.

Doctors are perplexed and growing nervous about the situation.

“I told her that she could simply stop drinking. I mean, that would be one way to stop the problem. But Jenni just won’t listen,” Doctor Keller, Mars’s pediatrician sighed. “I don’t see how this could end any other way but poorly. I told her she’s probably going to end up sending something that results in the loss of a job, of a friendship, or – at the very least – a casual acquaintance. There’s really nothing more a doctor can do.”

Mars has tried everything (except not drinking) to stop belligerently texting people – she’s left her phone at home, turned it off but kept it on her “in case of emergencies.” She even went so far as to give it to a friend to keep an eye on. No matter what scenario, Mars found that within 15 minutes her palms would be sweaty, her hands would shake, and visions of her phone would dance through her mind.

“I would definitely say it’s causing a rift in our relationship,” said Stephanie Bronson. “One time, she asked me to hold on to her phone so that she didn’t send any texts. I agreed, not knowing the extent of her problem. That night, I ended up with a black eye and a chunk of my hair missing.”

When the clocked struck 2 a.m., Mars’s fingers “started itching” from not touching her phone in two hours. “She looked like someone took her kitten or something. I told her that she couldn’t have her phone, then she told me she needed to talk to her mom about something really important. But earlier in the night, she told me that she’s probably going to make up a lie, so I knew not to trust her. In hindsight, I should have just given her the damn phone,” Bronson said as she stroked her bald spot.

After an intense scuffle between the two friends, which included hair-pulling, face scratching, an accidental elbow to the face, and some deliberate name calling, Mars retrieved the cell phone and continued her socially – and mentally – dangerous habit.

“She called me a cum-guzzling, Santorum-loving twat sniffer. I didn’t appreciate that,” Bronson stated, shaking her head.

The entire fight ensued so that Mars could send out this message to a friend of hers: “oamdg thakt kid thadft you hoked up with lasdf t weekdnfe is totalky adkt the bar talking to that slut your almosttd foiught@!!”

Although the two girls are still friends, Bronson is at a loss on how she can help her friend with the debilitating, life-crushing, (and completely preventable) problem.

“Stop drinking?” Mars laughed. “That’s just silly.”

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Students Go To Desperate And Extreme Lengths To Keep Busy During Summer Sessions

While most students have returned to their respective homes this summer spending time at the beach, on vacation, or chowing down on hot pockets in their basement, others have stayed in Buffalo – some by choice, others by force.

As a result of living in Buffalo during the summer, these kids have resorted to drastic measures to keep themselves occupied: faking vacations, drinking responsibly, and – worst of all – actually participating in class.

Rhonda Farr, junior communications major, took two courses during the second summer session at UB, spending the majority of her time Photoshopping pictures to make it appear as though she wasn’t.

“My family went to Aruba this year and I couldn’t go because I have to retake Chem 101. I decided that I’d just Photoshop myself into the pictures, like this one – here’s me and my dad snorkeling,” Farr said pointing to a picture of two men snorkeling, one with her face pasted on it (sans scuba equipment).

Unfortunately for Farr, she has been receiving less than exemplary marks in her general education class and might have to retake it again, as she was too busy making it look like she was actually enjoying her summer. But according to Farr, it was worth having to spend next summer stuck at UB, because not only did she trick all of her Facebook friends into thinking she was on a glamorous international vacation this year, she also “found her calling as a graphic designer.”

Other students, jealous and tired of looking at their friends’ vacation pictures, ventured out into the city, desperate for a good time. Many came to the realization that school just isn’t fun unless there are thousands of students on Main Street tripping, vomiting, and yelling empty threats at each other.

The nightlife truly suffers. Walking onto an empty bus that has the smell of cleaning supplies cannot compare to stumbling onto the drunk bus with 50 other belligerent students, said George Wells, senior business major.

“I take the bus, and there isn’t a single person throwing up out the window. No one even dry heaves! And there’s so much room. Campus is just a cold, dark place without drunk freshmen and obligatory dumbasses to brighten it up,” Wells said.

Wells, who stated that The Steer used to be his favorite place to “get crunk with his buddies,” has begun to prefer drinking only a couple of beers alone, in the dark, in his underpants. According to Wells, “Once the smells of vomit and piss begin to dissipate, the bar just starts to lose its charm.”

Instead of being packed like sardines, pushing and prodding against random co-eds, Wells can now go to the bar and have quiet, intellectual conversations with the other patrons. He refuses to sink so low however, and opts to drink at home. The number of nights he’s completely blacked out has dropped significantly since the summer began, Wells embarrassedly admitted.

Another increasingly drastic measure has been taken to relieve the boredom on campus: actually studying.

“All there is to do is study,” Wells said. “I’m getting A’s in all of my classes. It’s so embarrassing. I tell my friends back home that I’m managing C’s because I party every night. If they knew the truth, they would never let me forget it.”

Club Capen, the once popular hangout at which students were free to blabber on about inane topics rebelliously in front of no talking signs has reverted back to a place where actual studying takes place.

Professors have even noticed the phenomena – some with pity, others with mirth. One professor, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say: “my students are total L-O-S-E-R-S. They’re all ace-ing their tests and handing in well-researched, thought out papers. Meanwhile, I barely have time to look at them because I have an actual life this summer.”

Native Buffalonians don’t understand what their fellow students are complaining about. “I’ve lived in Buffalo my entire life,” said Martha Spencer, junior engineering major. “I hang out with my friends every single day; we always have something to do. I never resort to actually doing my homework.”

“I can’t wait until school starts again,” said Wells. “Then I can get back on my regular schedule of blacking out and being awesome.”

Students Enraged They Cannot Be Mad About FallFest Lineup

There’s only one thing that has the power to lift the crippling waves of apathy covering UB’s campus: students banning together to bitch about how dumb everyone in charge is. It’s one thing that keeps the enrollment numbers so high, and sadly, it’s something that students were cheated out of this fall.

As everyone started gearing up for school and the collective complaining that was sure to occur once they stepped foot on campus, students were upset to find that good news awaited them. Now at a loss on where to direct their grumbling, UB is desperate to find something to resent right away.

This epidemic of resigned approval began last week, when the Student Association announced the Fall Fest lineup. J Cole and Childish Gambino will headline and the concert will take place on September 1, during the first weekend of classes. This came as bad news to most of the UB population, who were preparing to yell, scream, and riot over what a bad job the SA is doing.

“I’m so pissed that the SA actually booked good performers this year,” said Tyler Reynolds, junior history major. “I already had the best UB meme made and ready to post for when they fucked up again. Now what am I going to do? Make a meme about how my financial aid was cut? Talk about boring.”

Unfortunately for Reynolds, he was begrudgingly excited about the quality performers booked by the SA and now doesn’t know where to direct all of his animosity. And he is not alone. Many students have become miserable now that they cannot complain about a bad lineup – the main reason students were giddy to return.

Although not too concerned when news broke last year that the SA treasurer attempted to scam the entire school and its students out of around three hundred thousand dollars, students are incredibly invested in and concerned about the three-hour concert that occurs twice a year. More than looking forward to the concert itself, UB waits on the edge of their seats with fingers twitching to write scathing reviews and “witty” remarks about how the SA let the student body down yet again.

“Last year they gave us prime ammunition,” said Brian Phillips, senior chemistry major. “I put as my Facebook status: ‘The Fray? I think you mean THE GAY.’ It got a lot of laughs.”

Although Phillips didn’t take the two minutes out of his day to vote for the officials come election time, he said that it was more because he enjoys complaining about the people in charge more than he’d like commending them on their competence. So when he found out that he would be cheated out of his usual scathing tirades, he was unhappy that he couldn’t be unhappy.

“Listen, I don’t know who this Sikander person is that you keep talking about,” said Erin Woodhouse, sophomore engineering major. “All I know is that Fall Fest actually looks like it’s going to be a good concert and you know what that means? I have to go back to complaining about how dining hall food sucks and frankly, the material gets stale after a while – just like Pistachios garlic bread!”

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