This past weekend, the streets of the University Heights were filled with kids getting drunk, kids acting out scenes from Reefer Madness,kids throwing sucker punches at unsuspecting students and cops patrolling the streets throwing tickets in the air, making it rain.
Basically, it was the same things that happen every weekend.
UB and Buffalo Police showcased their utter lack of skill, concern and common sense as they lurked around Winspear blindly choosing which house party they wanted to break up.
After deciding on the party that would probably lead to the most arrests – and therefore more tickets and a full quota – they attempted to kick the door in (unsuccessfully, as they took a tumble into the house).
In an attempt to maintain their authority, they immediately shoved their flashlights into the party-goers’ eyes and started running around, punching and kicking red Solo cups out of students’ hands.
“I was really inspired by Super Troopers,” said Gary Albanese, a UB police officer. “Farva is just an inspiration, the way he connects with people and how committed and respectable he is. I just try to be him.”
Albanese and his three fellow police officers, instead of watching out for the horde of students leaving the house, spent an hour inspecting the house, finding ways to assert their power and “Chuck Norris skills.”
As Albanese continued searching the house, kids leaving the party took advantage of the cops’ lack of acknowledgement (or concern) about any actual crimes or fights happening right outside.
Josephine Doe, a junior communication major, was particularly thrilled that she could illustrate how tough she was.
Doe and her fellow 13 friends ran after a smaller group of girls, harassing and yelling at their backs, as the small group tried to ignore them. Ironically, while calling their adversaries sluts, whores and other terms for loose women, Doe and friends were out that night celebrating their recently acquired penis flyer miles.
“What better way to showcase how big and tough we are then to get a group of 14 girls together and harass six girls on their way home?” Doe asked.
Doe and the other 13 girls proceeded to show how awesome and badass they are by attacking the straggler of their enemy’s group with a courageous sucker punch to the back of her head. But the girl deserved it, according to Doe, with all of the provocation she was throwing the group’s way by sprinting away as fast as she could.
Police were on the scene of the incident completely by accident. While looking to fulfill their ticket quota by breaking up parties and handing out parking tickets – with dreams of their pensions filling their minds – they saw the “fight” occur.
In order to protect their freshly dry-cleaned uniforms and stay out of the scuffle, the cops parked their car at the end of the street to see how things would play out.
“It’s our job to protect the students living in the heights and after much speculation, we’ve decided the best way to do that is to break up frat parties,” Albanese said.
Meanwhile, in his peripheral vision, Albanese refused to acknowledge two kids getting jumped by a group of 15 – the victim ended up in the hospital, while the attackers went off to brag about how they won a fight one against five.
“I value UB police so much,” said Terry Landin, sophomore exercise science major. “Last year I was viciously attacked by a rampaging man who smoked like one-tenth of a gram of marijuana. As he was munching down on his 7-11 hot dog, he just was filled with so much energy that he beat me to a bloody pulp. Thank goodness the cops are focusing on busting weed dealers. Finally I can feel safe in the Heights once again.”
Now students must face the fact: chivalry is dead. Fair fights ended when challenging someone to fisticuffs went out of style.
Chivalry has been jumped, sucker punched, gutted and stomped on until, finally, it died on the streets of the University Heights.
Both UB and Buffalo Police assisted in its death, claiming the “son of a b*tch deserved it,” as it tried to tell them how to do their job protecting and serving the community.
PUBLISHED 9/27 IN THE SPECTRUM.