“I’ve been waiting all summer to see these amazing football players,” said no one ever

UB’s football team lost its third game of the season Wednesday night to Kent State, 23-7. Surrounded by unresponsive fans who cared much more about tailgating before and winning free stuff during, the game was as nail-biting as watching The 700 Club on repeat.

Football players resorted to bribery in order to fill the stands during their games. For hours they stood within the Union, handing out ice cream sandwiches as they begged students to watch them half-heartedly let Kent State trample over them.

They were quite successful, filling the stands with students and families covered head to toe in blue – some even taking the opportunity to paint their stomachs.

“Yeah, I’m staying until the end of the first quarter so I can say that I at least stayed half the game,” said Vivian Colin, a sophomore health and human services major.

During the first half, as the Bulls struggled to reach the 50-yard line, spectators were forced to find their entertainment anywhere but the actual game.

Many focused their attention on the bottles of vodka they snuck into the stadium or decided playing Words With Friends was more engaging.

One student spotted something sparkly in the student section and spent the remaining 2 hours and 45 minutes of the game staring at it.

Students were lured into a false sense of success after the game against Morgan State, in which the Bulls scored 56 points. Too bad for the uninformed masses; the win was equivalent to the horde of 20 kids beating and hospitalizing their two unsuspecting victims last weekend on Winspear.

Becky McMillion, a freshman undecided major, attended the football game with a group of her floor mates. With no background knowledge of the sport other than cheering for the “super sexy” Tom Brady because of her love for GiseleBundchen, her hope was to impress men with being sport savvy.

“I had no idea how much I would actually enjoy football, but I’m really getting into it,” McMillion said. “I’m such a huge Bills fan now!”

McMillion promptly started jumping up and down, cheering for the team running the ball into the end zone. Unbeknownst to the “hardcore fan,” it was Kent State scoring.

UB Stadium was silent other than the occasional conversation in the stands about how excited people were to go to bed, what they were going to eat for breakfast and any other possible topic unrelated to the game. At various times during the game, however, loud cheers and screams erupted from the audience.

Unfortunately for the players, the screaming did not correlate with their actual good plays (which happened twice throughout the entire game) but when spectators had the opportunity to catch free T-shirts flying through the air.

The T-shirt throws were more accurate than junior quarterback Alex Zordich. Later, the student responsible for throwing out free T-shirts was approached by head coach Jeff Quinn and asked to play quarterback against UConn.

He declined, stating he only likes winning.

It was decided that the most valuable player of the game was not an actual football player at all, but the student who caught footballs during half time in order to win free pizza.

In hindsight, students regretted their decision to attend the game. No matter how much alcohol they were able to chug quickly before they entered the stadium, the only thing more painful than sitting through the whole game would have been getting tackled by the Kent State players themselves.


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