Student Didn’t Get Laid This Weekend, Confused As To Why

Jonathon Myers, a freshman communication major, felt a severe blow to his confidence over the course of Labor Day weekend, due to what he believes is UB’s general female population’s complete and utter lack of taste.

Myers – standing at six foot two, with a stocky build, brunette hair and mountain of acne – spent the majority of his extended weekend visiting bars on Main Street, usually Northside, in the hopes of wooing a fellow freshman girl with his “charm, wit and debonairdemeanor.”

Unfortunately, Myers was unsuccessful.

“Oh hey girl, nice dress, I bet it would look even better on my dorm room floor. You know, because we’re going to have sex tonight,” Myers said. “That’s my go-to pickup line, and it didn’t even work. What’s with these chicks?”

Myers’ plan of attack, according to him, “was nothing short of miraculous,” and his pick-up technique: “innovative and fool proof.”

He would wait until a girl separated from her friends, he would “sweep in for the kill” and then he would hit her with a line like, “Oh hey girl, I really like that shirt you’re wearing. The see-through fabric really lets me see your tits.”

The girl he approached promptly left his sight, and left Myers broken hearted and covered in beer.

“One girl told me that if I ever came near her again she would call the police,” Myers said, shaking his head. “Another girl said that she was going to buy a Taser just in case she ever saw me, or another guy like me, again. What the hell? Seriously. What. The. Hell.”

Myers insists that back in high school, girls flocked to him by the dozens and he had to beat them off with a stick. No high school friends could be reached for conformation or denial of his claims.

“In high school, I’d say: ‘Oh hey girl, I might not be the best looking guy, but I’m the only guy talking to you.’ They’d eat that s**t up,” Myers said. “Girls like when you’re mean to them, and they like when you’re straight up. I got my first Old Fashionedbecause of that line.”

At Northside on Saturday night, Myers honed in on one girl in particular. He described her as being not too attractive, but still pretty enough with the right amount of alcohol – which he had his fill of. She was with prettier friends, according to Myers, so he circled the group (as best he could on the dance floor filled with drunk and gyrating teenagers), until he finally slipped behind her and started grinding to Cherr Lloyd’s “Want U Back.”

Then he screamed in her ear, “Oh hey girl, you totally look like this girl I saw in a video last night. I hope you’re as good at bending and banging as her.”

Although Myers said the girl seemed to be happy about the “compliment,” the girl – Kelly Ryan, a freshman undecided major – clarified she did not hear him correctly.

“That’s what he said? I thought he said I looked like Kim Kardashian,” Ryan said. “I’m never drinking tequila again.”

The two continued clumsily swaying back and forth on the sweat-filled and smelly dance floor, until Myers noticed his partner looked thirsty. He pulled her by the hand toward the bar.

“Want to know what that douche bag said to me?” Ryan said. “He said, ‘Oh hey girl, I’ll buy you a drink but I’m gonna need a blowjob later.’ Who in their right mind says that to someone?”

Ryan promptly kicked Myers in the shin and returned to her friends, while Myers was left rolling around on the alcohol-soaked floor. Many didn’t notice him on the floor, and one girl (wearing incredibly sharp high heels, Myers said) apologized when she accidently stepped on his groin on her way to the bar.

Myers, seeing his chance replied: “Oh hey girl, I’d love you to take you out to dinner. Do you like dining hall food?”

When the girl looked at him incredulously, he went on, “No? Damn you have expensive taste. All right, what about Just Pizza?”

Myers went home from the weekend alone, due to what he considered every single girl he’s encountered having “no taste, no sense and no chance with him ever again.

PUBLISHED 9/10 IN THE SPECTRUM.

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