Texting While Intoxicated Discovered To Be Cause Of Crippling Embarrassment For Student

A plague has been sweeping college campuses for many years now, causing tragedy to strike unsuspecting students. Sometimes it happens instantly, sometimes gradually. No matter how it starts, the end result is always the same: incapacitating embarrassment.

Jenni Mars, senior nursing major, has suffered from the affliction for years. Recently it has begun to negatively impact her life to the point where she often admits she wants to bury her head in the sand or get tied to four horses and “make ‘em start running, like in the olden times.”

“I don’t know what triggers it (other than the alcohol, of course). It used to be just a small problem – an illegible message to my roommate here, a poorly worded and poorly thought-out text to a boy there. If only that was still the case,” Mars said with fingers hovering over her phone’s QWERTY keyboard. “Now, I wake up with an inbox of drunk texts I have no recollection of sending. I just want it to stop.”

Mars suffers from a serious case of drunk texting. She can no longer control it, and there doesn’t seem to be any cure.

Between sobs and sips from her Rolling Rock, Mars shared some the messages she’s sent under the influence. To her co-worker she wrote: “I’m in lovee with a bartender at a gay bar. But he’s not gay so its okay.”

Later, she followed up on the encounter to the same co-worker with: “My life is ruined. He has a girlfriend. WAH!!!!!!!!!”

Twenty minutes and one whiskey sour later, Mars worried over his lack of response and proceeded to write: “It not fair. Aliyh tha bois I like havge girlfirends al;hready. Life sucks =( =( =(!.”

“Yeah, I like to keep her texts and then show them to her the next morning. I think it’s a great way for her to learn – and embarrassing her is always guaranteed to be hilarious,” her co-worker commented.

Doctors are perplexed and growing nervous about the situation.

“I told her that she could simply stop drinking. I mean, that would be one way to stop the problem. But Jenni just won’t listen,” Doctor Keller, Mars’s pediatrician sighed. “I don’t see how this could end any other way but poorly. I told her she’s probably going to end up sending something that results in the loss of a job, of a friendship, or – at the very least – a casual acquaintance. There’s really nothing more a doctor can do.”

Mars has tried everything (except not drinking) to stop belligerently texting people – she’s left her phone at home, turned it off but kept it on her “in case of emergencies.” She even went so far as to give it to a friend to keep an eye on. No matter what scenario, Mars found that within 15 minutes her palms would be sweaty, her hands would shake, and visions of her phone would dance through her mind.

“I would definitely say it’s causing a rift in our relationship,” said Stephanie Bronson. “One time, she asked me to hold on to her phone so that she didn’t send any texts. I agreed, not knowing the extent of her problem. That night, I ended up with a black eye and a chunk of my hair missing.”

When the clocked struck 2 a.m., Mars’s fingers “started itching” from not touching her phone in two hours. “She looked like someone took her kitten or something. I told her that she couldn’t have her phone, then she told me she needed to talk to her mom about something really important. But earlier in the night, she told me that she’s probably going to make up a lie, so I knew not to trust her. In hindsight, I should have just given her the damn phone,” Bronson said as she stroked her bald spot.

After an intense scuffle between the two friends, which included hair-pulling, face scratching, an accidental elbow to the face, and some deliberate name calling, Mars retrieved the cell phone and continued her socially – and mentally – dangerous habit.

“She called me a cum-guzzling, Santorum-loving twat sniffer. I didn’t appreciate that,” Bronson stated, shaking her head.

The entire fight ensued so that Mars could send out this message to a friend of hers: “oamdg thakt kid thadft you hoked up with lasdf t weekdnfe is totalky adkt the bar talking to that slut your almosttd foiught@!!”

Although the two girls are still friends, Bronson is at a loss on how she can help her friend with the debilitating, life-crushing, (and completely preventable) problem.

“Stop drinking?” Mars laughed. “That’s just silly.”

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