Students Go To Desperate And Extreme Lengths To Keep Busy During Summer Sessions

While most students have returned to their respective homes this summer spending time at the beach, on vacation, or chowing down on hot pockets in their basement, others have stayed in Buffalo – some by choice, others by force.

As a result of living in Buffalo during the summer, these kids have resorted to drastic measures to keep themselves occupied: faking vacations, drinking responsibly, and – worst of all – actually participating in class.

Rhonda Farr, junior communications major, took two courses during the second summer session at UB, spending the majority of her time Photoshopping pictures to make it appear as though she wasn’t.

“My family went to Aruba this year and I couldn’t go because I have to retake Chem 101. I decided that I’d just Photoshop myself into the pictures, like this one – here’s me and my dad snorkeling,” Farr said pointing to a picture of two men snorkeling, one with her face pasted on it (sans scuba equipment).

Unfortunately for Farr, she has been receiving less than exemplary marks in her general education class and might have to retake it again, as she was too busy making it look like she was actually enjoying her summer. But according to Farr, it was worth having to spend next summer stuck at UB, because not only did she trick all of her Facebook friends into thinking she was on a glamorous international vacation this year, she also “found her calling as a graphic designer.”

Other students, jealous and tired of looking at their friends’ vacation pictures, ventured out into the city, desperate for a good time. Many came to the realization that school just isn’t fun unless there are thousands of students on Main Street tripping, vomiting, and yelling empty threats at each other.

The nightlife truly suffers. Walking onto an empty bus that has the smell of cleaning supplies cannot compare to stumbling onto the drunk bus with 50 other belligerent students, said George Wells, senior business major.

“I take the bus, and there isn’t a single person throwing up out the window. No one even dry heaves! And there’s so much room. Campus is just a cold, dark place without drunk freshmen and obligatory dumbasses to brighten it up,” Wells said.

Wells, who stated that The Steer used to be his favorite place to “get crunk with his buddies,” has begun to prefer drinking only a couple of beers alone, in the dark, in his underpants. According to Wells, “Once the smells of vomit and piss begin to dissipate, the bar just starts to lose its charm.”

Instead of being packed like sardines, pushing and prodding against random co-eds, Wells can now go to the bar and have quiet, intellectual conversations with the other patrons. He refuses to sink so low however, and opts to drink at home. The number of nights he’s completely blacked out has dropped significantly since the summer began, Wells embarrassedly admitted.

Another increasingly drastic measure has been taken to relieve the boredom on campus: actually studying.

“All there is to do is study,” Wells said. “I’m getting A’s in all of my classes. It’s so embarrassing. I tell my friends back home that I’m managing C’s because I party every night. If they knew the truth, they would never let me forget it.”

Club Capen, the once popular hangout at which students were free to blabber on about inane topics rebelliously in front of no talking signs has reverted back to a place where actual studying takes place.

Professors have even noticed the phenomena – some with pity, others with mirth. One professor, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say: “my students are total L-O-S-E-R-S. They’re all ace-ing their tests and handing in well-researched, thought out papers. Meanwhile, I barely have time to look at them because I have an actual life this summer.”

Native Buffalonians don’t understand what their fellow students are complaining about. “I’ve lived in Buffalo my entire life,” said Martha Spencer, junior engineering major. “I hang out with my friends every single day; we always have something to do. I never resort to actually doing my homework.”

“I can’t wait until school starts again,” said Wells. “Then I can get back on my regular schedule of blacking out and being awesome.”


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